"I want them back
The minds we had
How all our thoughts moved around our heads
It's not enough to feel the lack
I want them back
I want them"
-Lorde | Ribs
Ribs by Lorde is one of my favorite songs, if not my favorite. The atmospheric production, Lorde's deep voice, and the wistful lyrics evoke a feeling of nostalgia and a bittersweet reminder of getting old.
In a way, Camotes Island is like the song, but in a form of a tropical island. I know, tropical islands are supposed to be bright, sunny, and happy. But tropical islands can also be dark, rainy, and sad. The island is filled with so many memories of my youth, and times when I wish I could go back to, not for the memories, but for my state of mind.
As Lorde sings in the bridge of Ribs, "It's not enough to feel the lack. I want them back. I want them." Maybe I am slowly feeling the pang of entering my 30s. God, I'm old. I remember the time when I turned 21, I "stayed" at that age even when I reached 27.
"I was wrong to assume
I would ever outgrow you
I need you now, I need you close
How do you hold a ghost?
Inner child, come back to me
I wanna tell you that I'm sorry"
-Rina Sawayama | Phantom
My teenage years were a blur. Because everything is a blur when you're a teenager. Time does not matter when you're young. It's like you have this immense gravity inside you that you distort space and time. And maybe as you get older, you lose that gravity, and the space and time around you become less distorted, and everything moves agonizingly slow and things start to escape you and your orbit.
I'm reading a book that's taking way too long to be finished. It's been two months and I'm still midway. In my younger years, I could read a novel overnight and still have the energy to pick a new one the next day. Maybe I'm just getting older. Or maybe I just lost track of what it means to be young and free from time and fatigue.
I look back and try to learn from my younger self. How did you do it? It feels like I'm talking to a ghost. I wish you could possess me, so I can possess what I had before.
"Things I once enjoyed
Just keep me employed now
Things I'm longing for
Someday, I'll be bored of
It's so weird
That we care so much until we don't"
-Billie Eilish | Getting Older
Have you ever had a dream come true? Was there a moment of, "This is it! This is what I've always hoped for." How long did the moment last? Was it too short? I have had countless of these moments, but they are never long enough to keep the dread and dissatisfaction that follows. And then it becomes, "So, this is it...."
I was kayaking in Lake Danao in Camotes. It's the third time and I'm excited. I paddle my way to the center of the lake and enjoy the tranquility of nature. And a sense of joy and peace wells up inside. "This is it! This what I've always hoped for." I bask in the moment for as long as I can, but like everything, it passes. And I'm back to straining my arms to get back to the jetty.
Just recently, I've finally become a college instructor. Becoming an educator has always been one of my biggest dreams. I didn't have a single moment of, "This is it!" But it was there, and I am still there. But I feel it escaping me, and I'm afraid the moment will, again, be too short. And I am worried that I won't care anymore as much as I cared before.
