Last week was a week of transition for some people I work with. A supervisor switched roles within the company to become a QA Engineer, another one cut down on her hours for personal reasons and there will be more restructuring in the upcoming days. Thankfully, I will be on a short leave soon and not present for all that. It generally felt like everyone was achieving something and changing big things about themselves and their lives, and then there was me. What was I doing? Was I making any progress? I began to feel envious and dissatisfied.
In the past, whenever I felt envious, I would think about the book 'Status Anxiety' written by Alain de Botton. He says a lot in the book but just one point really sticks with me when I need support and it is the question he proposes we ask ourselves when we want what others have. Do we really want their lives and all the sacrifices they make to attain the status they currently enjoy? This question has helped me many times to analyze certain people's successes, real and perceived and to actually dissect to see for myself if I really crave those things I suppose they have. Many times, I've been able to come out feeling convinced that I don't actually want to be them after all.
In the past week though, asking myself this questions did not help. I might not want to become a first lady or the duchess or a pilot etc., but I've been able to see more relatable success stories of people achieving things I'd hoped to achieve last year. I wanted to actually have my foot in the tech industry and that did not happen. I wanted to be self employed and have enough money to travel or relocate to a different country and be surrounded by more English speaking people and Christians and that too is yet to happen. Many other desires of mine have not come to actualization and I began to feel sad and bitter and burnt out from work.
So there I was feeling upset about my life and the unfairness of it all. Life is not fair and that's definitely true but I made up my mind after some soul reflection that something had to change and I am determined to not obstruct such change.
The first change was to meditate on my Bible with a friend and talk through these things. It helps to open up about feelings and this is why I am freely bringing them to light instead of bottling them up in my heart where they can become destructive and of course make me feel miserable. I decided that I was going to develop the gifts in me even more and ensure that I was living right. Living right entails identifying those flaws and emotions I struggle with and dealing with them honestly with no pretense. I must articulate how I feel properly and pray about them. I must feed my mind with words and messages that bring life to my soul and spirit and I must look for mentors and a living community to be a part of, because no one was meant to be alone.
Yesterday, in conversation with a friend, I mentioned to a friend that I was doing alright since after all, people in solitary confinement still managed to live well and survive all that. I was literally comparing my life to prison and he told me that solitary confinement is usually a punishment to evoke emotional torture on those people. Quite obvious but only obvious to me after he'd said it. So why was I accepting that as a normal thing for me? I didn't have an answer to that as it became very clear to me that this was actually a dysfunctional acceptance of how live should be for me. That too needs to change.
There are just so many avenues to find triggers for envy, even on hive where the principles of life, luck, fame and social network and status are fully in place, so I have decided that it is important to resist comparison and instead focus that energy on working on what I do have. On the things that are within my capacity to change and ask for help to change others that require more resources. I have to appreciate other people's progress and not be bitter about it. It would even help if I went further to genuinely wish them well, celebrate and pray for them. I am on a serious mission to confess /bring to light any thought contrary to this because like I said earlier, it really helps to actually articulate what the problem is so you can tackle it rightly.
Another friend told me recently that I might not have noticed it in myself, but I am making progress. On better days, I can see this progress he referred to, i.e when my mind is not beclouded with other thoughts of being overlooked, so it helps to have someone else point it to me. I know that I have progressed a lot and have acquired new knowledge. I am constantly learning and improving on my skillset, even when it doesn't look like much. I know I have not been lazy or procrastinated on any project I had in mind to do. I have put in the work and the hours, so what I need now is patience and consistency still as I wait for my time to come. It will come.