While I was doing my stuff inside our room, it suddenly started to rain outside and I just couldn't help but to admire the scenery, the sounds of the raindrops outside became music to my ears. I was admiring how the raindrops from the sky successfully dropped the earth, as if the sky was waiting for that to happen. It sent excitement and comfort to my whole being.
I was just staring when some realizations hit me, and I couldn't help but to smile and run outside to feel the raindrops on my skin.
Photo is originally mine
Growing up, I don't really love the rain, it's not because it's so slippery outside nor because my laundry will not dry if it rains, but for the reason that it only reminds me of my traumatic childhood. Whenever the sky seems so gloomy, I always think of negative thoughts and end up praying to bring back the blue color of the sky.
I don't know if it's a coincidence or what but during my childhood days, my parents are fighting whenever it rains so every time it'll rain, I always overthink that maybe something bad will happen, or maybe my mother and father would fight again. And together with the lightning and the sounds of the rain outside, are the cries of my mother and the shouting that can be heard in the four corners of our room. I was only a child! I don't have to hear and see all of that!
It seems like the rain for me—at that time— only brings another traumatic experience to my younger self she had to endure. It was not the sound of the rain I am hearing, but the hurtful words my parents were exchanging to each other— as if they didn't love each other at all.
And I can't do anything about it! I am only at the corner , watching them fight emotionally and physically— crying as if I was crying together with the sky.
Photo is originally mine
Those things were still hunting me even until now. It brought me in tears whenever I remembered how my younger self had to endure all of that alone. I wanted to hug and comfort her and tell her everything's gonna be okay, that she doesn't have to cry because I am here and I am willing to wipe her tears— that I'm so proud of her for being strong.
I remember writing how I felt during those days in my journals, those journals witnessed how I hate the rain, how I wish to never rain again, to not witness the same painful scenario all over again. If I had the chance to read those journals, I would gladly risk it all just to read it.
REALIZATIONS AND REFLECTIONS
Photo is originally mine
Later on, I realized I was wrong for hating the rain, I was so distracted by the idea that I hate the rain to the point that I didn't notice that the rain has been my companion and the rain are the ones who comforted me in that time.
When my parents were fighting, no one was there to comfort me, no one was there to wipe away the precious tears of a child and that time only the rain had the ability to cry with me like it understood me. Perhaps, I shouldn't hate the rain for that.
My mind was so preoccupied with thinking that every time it rains— there's surely something bad will happen. When all the rain does is to share my pain with me, perhaps that's why it rains when they fight because the sky wants to comfort me and cry with me.
Photo is originally mine
Whenever I have the chance to dance under the rain, I still have doubts about what will happen because it's raining. I should've just enjoyed the moment like other children do, but instead I am doubting and having negative thoughts about what will happen after.
I am constantly praying for the time where I could have the chance to dance and play under the rain without feeling anything but pure happiness.
But it's not that easy to turn the things that remind you of your trauma into your comfort zone. It lasted when I was in my junior years, I would cry sometimes thinking of the past because the rain outside reminds me of those things, it was like it was already marked through my soul and there's no way to erase those marks.
But as we grow older, we really have this realization and reflections that come up on our minds. I realize that it is way harder for me to endure those traumatic childhood experiences without the rain, and probably the cut was deeper without the rain.
All along, the rain was my comfort zone and solace. Perhaps, I am just blinded by the thought of my 7 year-old self and mind you, it lasted for 7 years! But I couldn't blame my younger self for that, I was so innocent that time, and it's not my fault to think of it as I grow older.
All those childhood traumas molded me to what I've become today. I am way stronger now and more mature. I also realize that I have to let go of the past to totally heal from the damage it caused me, because if I let myself get stuck and don't help myself to step back by the things that caused me pain, how will I move forward? How will I become free from those traumas? If I was letting myself get jailed from all of it. How will I... heal??
I am not gonna lie but even until now, I'm still working on it. I'm still working on how to let go of the past, but at least there's progress! That's what is most important— trying.
Photo originally mine
This time, whenever the rain pours outside, I find solace and happiness. Happiness because, the rain reminds me of how I endure and surpass all those things and also because, my parents weren't fighting anymore during rainy weather! They're fighting during sunny days already 😂😂 kidding!
Photo originally mine
And I've got to love the rain more now! When the sky seems so gloomy, I am silently praying and even manifesting rain. I don't even care if I get sick whenever I can't stop myself from running and feeling the raindrops on my skin, so far it is one of the best things I ever did!
I can't just resist the serene beauty and the therapeutic sounds of the rain that I failed to see years ago! Aside from that, since I love sleeping it was really so therapeutic to sleep during rainy days, and when I'm sad and it started raining, I feel comforted and embraced, I feel like I am not alone.
By those realizations above, I know I'm way closer to finally letting go of those painful things I have experienced. I'm way closer to finally finding the peace of mind my younger self had always been wanting. I'm way closer to being fully healed.
This time, I knew I had survived the storms, I learned how to dance with the rain. This is finally the aftermath of my storms.
Photo originally mine
*“ Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance with the rain. ”Vivian Greeze