As humans being in our modern world, we often do not give or receive the depth of touch that our bodies need to thrive. We may shake hands, give a high five, or even share a hug or two (if we're lucky) during our day.
This lack of quality contact leaves us starving for more.
The way our nervous systems engage with the world can be boiled down to two systems, the parasympathetic nervous system which aids us in feeling calm, peaceful, and connected, and the sympathetic nervous system which relegates fight or flight.
Simply put, when we spend more time in the sympathetic than the parasympathetic, we find we do not human as optimally as we could otherwise.
I believe we are social creatures with bodies that intrinsically need other bodies in order to function in healthy and balanced ways. Just as proper food and diet can nourish our spirit and vitality, Touch is a vital requirement for the health of our emotional and energetic systems.
We see this plainly in the dysfunction of our modern world and how the consequences of a lack of physical and emotional connection lead to depression, withdrawal, addictions, and even aggression.
The best ways to activate and bring our nervous systems aligned with the parasympathetic is through breath, awareness, and touch. The latter providing the best bang for our buck.
But what kind of touch are we talking about?
A casual brush on the tram, a pat on the back at the office, or even the occasional hello hug? While these are great social lubricant, I do not believe these types of touch give us what our nervous systems desperately need and desire.
I believe we all need more Intentional Touch.
This is the kind of touch that allows us to truly relax, connect, deepen into what it means to be a human, being with others.
This kind of touch has no agenda, no desire attached, no outcomes to work towards. Simply a courageous meeting of bodies, hearts, and souls that opens the door to more of what it means to be more fully human.
This kind of touch may be sensual, as I believe we are very much sensual creatures at our core, but it is not sexual.
I believe the more we invite and share this kind of touch with others in our daily lives, the more we create a world where we can all breathe a little deeper, and experience more peace in the world.
Therefore, as we go further into defining Intentional Touch, let us use the acronym P.E.A.C.E. as a guide.
Present:
Intentional Touch requires that we are present with our touch and the one who is being touched by us.
How much can we be in the moment and be with the other, gently bringing ourselves back to the present and quieting the chatterings of the mind. Releasing the need for words, the past and future, and for at least these moments, just being with the touch, sensations, and emotions that may arise.
At its essense, Presence can be defined as "being fully here now." This kind of presence can be scary and confronting as much of our insecurities and fears can arise.
Being with this level of presence requires courage and a knowing that all is ok and well. Remember to breath, trust, and allow yourself to find some rest in the presence of another, knowing they as well, are finding rest in you.
Embodied:
Embodiment is quite the buzz word these days, and there's good reason. The idea of feeling and being in the totality of our bodies is foreign to so many of us.
Whether because of trauma, unprocessed emotions, or perhaps even a simple lack of awareness of what's possible, embodiment can feel like challenging puzzle. Yet this is a vital requirement to the quality of touch our emotional bodies need from others to feel safe.
When we Touch consciously, how much can we allow ourselves to feel what's happening in our bodies?
This can be uncomfortable uncharted territory for some and having guidance or even structure the first few times can be beneficial if not necessary for proper integration and a sustained experience.
Know that the ability to articulate what is happening is less important than being with whatever experience is being felt.
Aware:
If presence is the internal expression of intentional touch, Awareness is the external. It's the watching, masculine, aspect of what is happening.
The part of us that is awake through the process and in soft inquiry. Am I breathing? Are they breathing? What happens when I breathe a little deeper, what happens when I smile? What happens when I let go just a little more?
This can be tricky as it can lead us into our mind and into analyzing what is happening. Keep this aspect light and graceful, always returning to the breath combined with the present moment.
As with all of these aspects, the more we practice, the more they become second nature. This is also the invitation we bring attention to after an experience with another.
Asking questions such as, how was that for me?, where was I expansive?, where was I constricted? gives us an opportunity to create new neuro-pathways and more access to our parasympathetic systems.
These can even be fun questions to explore with the other person after your shared experience!
Consensual:
A crucial part of touching with consciousness, is being curious and open to what arises without agenda. This is where offering touch with consent, where both parties are active in their choice to connect.
There is both a beauty and strength in allowing ourselves to be with and surrender to whatever shows up (even if it's a "no").
Perhaps there are tears, laughter, revelations, or even pure joy. Allow everything to be welcomed knowing that when we share these curious parts of ourselves, it allows the other to touch their own wonder as well.
Having a curious spirit when we engage with another gives space for everyone to fully feel whatever is wanting to be felt. As such, this could even be considered the feminine aspect.
A vital aspect of this is the distinction between being curious, and the desire to act upon our curiosities.
As we experience moments of authentic depth with another, we may sense the movement of energy, the longing of our bodies as they receive what they've been missing, and perhaps even the inclination to turn a simple touch into something more.
This is all welcome, and yet the mastery and art is to fully experience this tender innocence with no attachment.
To be clear, of course there can be time and space for more. But each shift from platonic, sensual, and sexual touch is best done with consent, negotiation, and presence.
Expansive:
When we touch with intention, the invitation is to soften or even our close eyes, relax into the breath, and with gentle awareness and presence allow ourselves to expand into the physical experience, as well as our inner experience.
The world around us is full of external stimulation and messages that seem to say that life only happens outside of us. And yet, our inner world can be just as rich and meaningful when we allow ourselves to experience the vastness that lies within.
As with embodiment, giving ourselves permission to expand into the moment can lead us to unfamiliar territory and can often touch aspects of our core woundings. Know that as you expand with grace you are inviting the other to do the same.
As you be good shepherds for each other know that each time you go on the journey, you take one step closer to the beauty of an open heart.
Lastly, to transition out of intentional touch, it is best to do so with a gentle sigh, a batting of open or closed eyes, a soft squeeze, perhaps even a tender giggle.
Especially if this quality of touch is unfamiliar to you or your partner, be loving, soft, and kind with each other honoring the bravery and courageous steps towards deeper authenticity and truth.
As we become more skilled and familiar with these tools of human connection and the joy of swimming in expansive inner waters, you'll find these moments of conscious touch can last a lifetime or be brief, a passing moment with a friend, a quick squeeze between lovers. The duration isn't as important as the depth felt.
A lot more can be shared about each of these core aspects of intentional touch, but I hope this is enough to get the wheels turning and the desire for more awakened. (feel free to let me know if you'd like to learn more about a particular topic!)
If this speaks to you, share this post with a loved one or a close friend. Create some time and space to be with each other, to nourish your spirits, and to deepen in the simplicity of what it can mean to be human.
Let's find our way to more P.E.A.C.E. in the world.
Photo credits (in order):
Rishabh Dharmani on Unsplash
CHAINFOTO24 on Shutterstock
Jackson David on Unsplash
Ricardo Gomez Angel on Unsplash