I never imagined that it's been a month since my mother passed away because the pain was getting more profound each day; everything happened just yesterday.
I don't know how I survived the days without her; I have no choice but to move forward for my sister and father, who depend on me now. I have no choice but to remain strong and do the things that I used to be.
The occurrences, circumstances, or problems we didn't expect are why we aren't sufficiently prepared to handle them. These unforeseen events can make us frightened.
The last several days have been difficult. The things that used to make me happy, peaceful, and motivated have lost their power since I lost my mother. No matter how hard I strive to improve myself, the unpleasant feelings always sneak up on me like a thief. The worst aspect is wanting to express my feelings to someone but choosing not to do so—not because I lack bravery, but because I am even perplexed. My emotions have me so emotionally drained that I can't think straight. Every day feels like a struggle:
Getting out of bed
Giving it my all
Going about my business as usual while everything inside me crumbles
It has been quite tricky. But life does come in waves like this. We eventually realize that certain things don't resonate with us like they used to. When some days are particularly trying and challenging, I step back to assess the situation. Thus, it occasionally fails and only amplifies the weight.
So recently, I've learned to create a safe space to let go of all the doom and safely experience my feelings. This helps me feel better than attempting to understand everything at once. After the chaos has subsided, I try to look at myself objectively, as if I were someone else, to evaluate how I'm doing. I could then be honest with myself and determine what was best for me because no matter what, I'll always appreciate the opportunity to start over each day.
I can't always look for the good in every situation I find myself in, especially if it makes me feel wrong about something or toward myself. I don't force myself to comprehend things in a split second and tell myself it's okay; if something hurts, I embrace the emotion first. However, I know it will take time to process events and heal myself; if there is nothing to be grateful for, I will carry the lesson I learned from going through it.
I go through phases when I feel like I can never forget things that caused me anguish and stages where I feel at peace with all I've been through. Occasionally, I experience flashbacks and a feeling of trauma, and despite how resilient I may look, there are silent tragedies hidden beneath the smiles.
Healing is not a linear process.
Sometimes I feel like the world is too much to take, and I want to stay sleeping. I want to talk to everyone I encounter. Sometimes I'm not particularly eager to sit alone, and other times I enjoy being alone.
No matter what, I have to remain resilient.
I've gotten better at living in silence now. To love, lose, and experience joy and anguish while remaining silent. This quitting has a certain quality that makes me feel alive. I may have needed myself throughout the years. Even though I may be alone, I still have something.
I discovered how to mend myself without anyone knowing, and nobody acknowledged my pain. Yes, I still talk to others, but I've finally decided what to keep to myself.
Despite having my ribs shattered, having my hopes dashed, having my goals abandoned, and losing, I still get to stand on my own two feet, independent of any soul.
I've had to get used to living in silence. After all, nothing but quiet, forgetfulness or some other type of emptiness would remain in this life.
Even if I've deprived myself of a lot, it's never too late to grant me the peace I deserve.
