Trigger warning: a narration of my suicide attempt before
Scars leave unforgettable core memories in our minds. May it be tragic, accidental, or intentional. Let me tell you the reason behind this scar on my hand. This is gonna be a long story but please stay with me until the end.
A Job in Customer Service & in the Teaching Industry
The last 4 years have been the most stressful years I have had so far in my entire life. It was the pressure of adulting that took a trip on my nerves. It was the effect of neglecting my health as I was busy minding my goals in life. I worked as a customer service representative for a year, and as a college instructor for 2 years. Everything has been so stressful. I couldn't find the right balance of work and keeping my overall well-being intact. It was an unhealthy lifestyle, so I had to quit.
Not long after my rest, I had the chance to teach so I took the opportunity to take up Professional Education. All college degree holders who want to pursue education need to enroll in this course for them to be able to take the licensure examination for teachers.
It only took 6 months to finish the course. However, the schedule of the classes was tight. Classes were scheduled for Saturdays and Sundays only and it starts from 7:30 am to 8 pm. Imagine how crazy that schedule was plus the requirements to comply to pass the subjects. As an introvert myself, I had to put extra effort into keeping up with the fast-paced lifestyle. It was such a tough challenge.
Seriously, I never thought it would be that exhausting and stressful but I was so driven to achieve my life goals. I was so enthusiastic about how my life should head into the future until I realized that my body was already giving up. I neglected my health in general.
While studying, I noticed that something was going on with my body. I feel nauseous all the time, I get constant headaches and I lose my appetite. But still, I never listened to what my body was saying. I continued doing what I wanted. I enrolled myself in a review center for my preparation for the licensure examination. It was a long 4-month review until March 24, 2019 (exam day) but I could hardly catch up on the review because I was not feeling well the whole time.
It was in late Feb 2019 when I decided to skip the review and have myself checked by a doctor. I was diagnosed with peptic ulcer. It causes abdominal discomfort and pain. This was the result of the skipped meals I had during work. I was confined to a small hospital for 3 three days only then I decided to have myself checked at a bigger hospital where an internist could attend to.
The Major Cause of My Depression
Suffering from this pain made me depressed. It was not just about physical pain but it affected me mentally as well. I wanted myself to get out of the situation so badly because I still had things to do. I told myself to be okay but my body wasn't cooperating. It basically shut down.
My body gave up, I had to. I needed to rest. I need to free myself from stress. I have suffered from stress so much. It was 4 years long of enduring and fighting stress.
How Brazen Am I To Blame God?
I even blamed God for I felt like he abandoned me. I blamed him for why all of this happened to me. I just wanted to have a successful life. I have been a good daughter and a student. I was never a headache from my parents. However, I failed the civil service 3 times already. I felt like I was at the lowest of the low. I felt rejected. I felt like I was the unluckiest person in the world.
I compared myself to other people's success in their careers. I felt pressured about not achieving something worthwhile. Everything I had in mind was full of negativity. I was so down. Each day was a serious struggle of pain and depression 💔
Compulsive Thoughts and Voices
Until one day, I heard a voice saying something into my ear. I didn't realize that I was hallucinating at that time. It was a voice forcing me to do something terrible. It was the demon who added fuel to the fire that I couldn't control myself to stop it. It was all a feeling of rage, frustration, and weary. Dark thoughts took over.
I took a knife and cut my wrist twice as I lost my mental stability. My vision went blurry and my hand went numb. I was conscious the whole time. It was my aunt who witnessed first in the kitchen as she heard someone crying nearby. I wanted to end my life so badly during that time. I thought ending my life was the only solution to solving my ordeals or at least, getting away from it. Damn, the intention I had at that time was so serious and dangerous.
They called an ambulance and had my hand operated on the same day. The surgeon told me I was lucky to have my hand still. I lost 1 liter of blood (type O+), luckily I had a blood donor. However, I broke my hand partially. I can no longer make a fist. The cut was so deep that my tendons were broken. It was a Flexor Tendon Injury.
Refer to this link
This is what my hand looks like now
The Road to Recovery
I also went to the psychologist to have my mental health checked. It really was depression. She gave me Diazepam but should only be taken when needed. This is to help me get better sleep. We also had sessions to keep me sane.
But hey, look how God works. It was when I needed him the most and he has never forsaken me. He works in mysterious ways. I am a living testimony of second chances. Maybe I still have a purpose in this world. Honestly, I still don't know where my life is going but I trust him. Things don't always go according to our plans and God knows what's best for us. He is the author of our stories. Trust him.
Here's what I realized on the journey I went through:
As an introvert (not sure if everyone does this but) I'm not fond of sharing things about myself with my family. I keep it as a secret as much as I can, I do not open up what I really feel, or maybe because of being an introvert, we are likely prone to suffer depression(?).
I failed my family. I made them feel like they were not there for me but they were supporting me all throughout. I neglected my friends, I didn't really open up to them. I'm good at giving advice but if it's me who needs advice, I keep it to myself. It feels like it's between me and myself and so I mostly gather negative thoughts from then on. Then I treated my life as a race like there were deadlines I needed to catch.
Now I learned to value them, I learned how to reach out. It taught me that it's okay to ask for help and it's not good to bottle up emotions because soon you'll break down. You'll always need someone to talk to and share your problems with. It is imperative to not bottle up your emotions.
It made me realize everything. It was God who pressed the reset button for me to start living life again. I'm still on my way to find my purpose though but I know he's on my back ready to rescue me.
Instruments to My Recovery
Music. God probably saved my hand because it was then I got interested in playing the keyboard. Fortunately, I am still able to play it.
Sunny. I had her after the tragedy. She helped me manage my relapses from time to time. She's my main confidant.
Nature. It gives me a different, cathartic, therapeutic feeling when I go out and bond with nature. To acknowledge the wonders of nature is such a thrill.
I can finally say that I have recovered from depression. I hope you too. Keep fighting! Just keep yourself busy, and find something you're good at to avoid dark thoughts.
Lastly, people nowadays are romanticizing depression. Others say they have it but do not know the true meaning of it resulting in others who truly have it and get misunderstood.
They say depression is a "religion" issue. No, it's not. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain.
Thanks for reading.
Keep safe everyone!