Last night a mother grieved for her 22 year old son. He had overdosed on Heroin. He was described as a good kid, an honors student who had got in with the wrong crowd. All I could think about was how it felt to be in his shoes. I am guessing he was a very sensitive man. I don’t have enough details about his life to understand what made him turn to drugs but I am sure it was to numb feelings. He must have felt like he was all alone, misunderstood. He heard all the messages that the media sends out about what it means to be socially acceptable. Things like Men do not show emotions, Men are strong and tough, Men don’t cry etc... And none of these messages could he identify with. He felt ashamed about who he was, how he grew up, and with the use of drugs, he just didn’t care about these things.
He had recently graduated from a drug rehab and was having a hard time adjusting to reality. He had to deal with accepting all the things he had done while on drugs and when feeling started to come out he had no way to numb them. He was in a rough spot. He could not accept his thoughts and emotions, he was overwhelmed and he could not numb his feelings. His mother had been diagnosed with cancer and she was getting sicker. The young man shut down. When you asked him how he was doing his reply was “Fine”.
Our Ego tells us that we are different. “It tells us that we are fine all by ourselves and that we don’t need anyone. Our Ego tells us that we are better than everyone else. If we listen to our ego we can get very lonely. We stop reaching out to connect with others. We withdraw from others that are trying to connect with us. We can become very self-centered and we start to hear other voices. The inner critic tells us that we are not worthy and we are not good enough, smart enough, thin enough etc. It tells us that we do not do enough, have enough, and we can not be enough. Shame and fear start to talk to us and tell us to stay small, be quite, do not trust, and be safe. Still other voices tell us that we are victims and that others have the power to make us miserable. When these voices get together we start to tell a story about ourselves. When we listen and believe the voices the story becomes our reality.
The feelings of worthlessness, self-hate, resentments, fear and anger become overwhelming and we seek out ways to escape. We finds ways to get Numb. We use Drugs, Alcohol, Food, and Sex to run from what we feel. We run from who we think we are. Eventually these things stop working and when there is nowhere to run, Death seems like the only choice.
According to the New York Times, 59,000 people have died from an overdose in 2016. This number is up from last year and is most likely due to a rise in synthetic drugs hitting the market. Heroin is being cut with a drug called fentanyl that has caused many heroin users to overdose and die. Drug overdose is the leading cause of death in Americans under 50.
If you think you might have a substance abuse issue and wish to talk about it confidentially please reach out to me at my email address scott_ostrin@yahoo.com. I am not a therapist or a counselor but trust me I know how you feel.
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