I have to thank all of those who commented on my plea for help yesterday. I find it remarkable that Steemfolk jumped into 'help' mode even if some of you didn't know me that well. It's a great reminder to all of us that no matter how bad things get there is always, always someone there to care and to help you out, no matter what. Sometimes we can feel really alone, but that's because people just don't know how we are coping - they can't read minds, after all!

Today, I'm feeling a little bit better. Being home has helped, because I'm in control, and I can nurture myself. I could get a good nights sleep and get out in the garden, which always calms me down a little. It's something about where my attention is going, and what my body is doing. A moving meditation. It's a classic for anyone with anxiety - find things you can touch, see, taste - get out of your head and into the world. Being out in nature has helped me process and put things in perspective.

Also, hanging upside down helped somewhat. Thanks to hubby for taking the photo. I know things aren't at their very worst, because I still have a sense of humour. Just.

So, some things I've learnt, or relearnt, since yesterday.

Meditation Does Not Chill You Out.

Meditation is marketed as a chill pill, a holiday from oneself. In fact, it's as confronting as fuck. Did you know the worst psychotic episodes happen to people on meditation retreats? When you're forced to bury down into the difficult parts of your psyche, it can be quite overwhelming. Meditation is an incredible tool, and I will always meditate, always, but sometimes it just doesn't help, and can make things rather intense.

Mindfulness is Not the Only Answer

Did you know that there are 4 papers written on mindfulness a day? That's a lot. It's gained in popularity since 1999 - and there's a reason for that, given the world we live in. There was an increase in meditators immediate after 9/11, if that tells you anything. Plus, we live in a world where our attention is pulled EVERYWHERE but where it really matters - our centre. Because if our centre is strong and calm, we're more available to ourselves and others, more curious about life, and find more joy in things.

Mindfulness is awesome, and works for many, but there's a whole heap of other things that can help us too - chanting mantra helps, yoga helps, gardening helps, surfing helps - whatever is going to bring you back into your body and away from all those demands of the world.

Sometimes there isn't a narrative

It's the stories we tell about things that can make us miserable. We are harshly critical of ourselves and we're often conditioned to believe certain things about who we are - sometimes we're telling the stories, sometimes we've took on other peoples. You know the kind of stuff - 'I'm not good enough', 'I'm too ugly' and so on. Often, when anxiety hits we can search a little and consider the narrative that's making us feel that way. We can dig deep and tell ourselves a new story, or at least know it's not really 'real', just a thought in our head. But yesterday, there wasn't a story - not one I could identify anyway. There was no point telling myself a new story, or ignore the one that was making me anxious, because it was either buried so deep or it was some kind of amygdala response that I couldn't control, or it had to be something else. That brings me to my next point.

Sometimes, it's not your head at all

A few years ago I had a full on stress breakdown. Since then, I've had to be really careful with my adrenal glands, as they can bring on anxiety. Of course, I'm not ignoring the mind-body relationship here - what goes on in our heads obviously affects our bodies, and vice verse, but sometimes when your body is under assault from hormones, it's going to make things worse, and that needs addressing first before you can fix the other stuff. I thank the Steemians who commented with wonderful remedies - I do think there are a lot of fabulous natural remedies out there that can help people with anxiety, and I'll be off to a naturopath next week to get back onto a proper program to support what's right for my system. Magnesium works for me. St John's Wort works for me, and stupidly I stopped taking it (don't we often when things are okay?) and there's a few other herbal remedies that I know will help me get through whatever this is. I'm not going on anti-depressants, that's one thing I know for sure, and I won't seek help from a GP, as that's all they want to do - give you a pill.

So, onwards, upwards, sideways, upside down, life goes on. I'm still focussing on my breath, still being attentive to my subtle energies, and not so subtle ones. I'm glad I have that - the power to look within, to consider all angles, and to find a solution. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for those that don't have that capability.

Thanks so much again for yesterday, Steemfolk. I was really quite moved by how many of you commented and gave me love. You guys rock.