For those of you following my recent medical post, where I have spoken about the joys of man-flu, you might have noted my complaints about another symptom, a visible, intermittent,twitchy thing in my neck.
Image by graehawk, via pixabay
I went to the doctor this morning, and this post is for me, a stream of consciousness if you will, documenting that pre-test anxiety that a bright mind is unable to completely dismiss before any diagnostic medical procedure. To be melodramatic, and dangerously paranoid, I could say this might be the last post I'm able to make for a while.
It could be the last one that I ever make.
But medicine is very advanced, and I'm sure an ultrasound of the carotid artery on a thirty-something male is a pretty routine procedure for a small niche of people.
I suddenly find myself within that niche, wishing I hadn't consulted dr google for what this scan might be looking for. I don't suggest that you do the same. That in turn, raised my anxiety levels about my own health - no one wants to face their own mortality, and while my logical brain tells me that this isn't the case (denial, perhaps?) - my caveman brain wants to suddenly experience everything, all at once, and rush to the front of the medical line in some sort of demented survival of the fittest type battle royale.
The other flip side of the coin is this - if whatever this ailment / symptom is was going to kill me - it isn't very efficient, and I argue, should have done so already. This is the mysterious case of holoz0r's health and creeping anxiety - for not the first time this year.
It seems fitting that the weather today is a dreary, overcast, rainy day with not much of a breath of wind.
Life is ever so precious, but I'm now growing increasingly worried about not being able to enjoy enough of it. I don't have any regrets, but there's so much that I want to do, that perceptively, even in the life span of a regular, healthy human being, I don't think that it would ever be possible to do such things.
Let alone whatever prognosis this latest issue may unravel upon me.
Life is something that is certainly worth living, and sharing your fears is something that everyone absolutely should do. Not allowing them to overwhelm you, as I fear I might be doing at the present moment - more like definitely... is the key difference.
There's one fact of life - and that fact that we all have to face sooner or later is that we're not going to be here forever. I am, unfortunately, one of those people who allows this notion to constantly invade my every waking thought. Existing is confronting, and it is something that I want to keep confronting, for as long as I possibly can.
Please try to distract me from existing in the comments.