Hey ladies hear me out! Guys, please don't cringe - skip this while you can! The good news is that I woke up today in a good mood and with a newfound revelation. I feel like the storm has passed and I might have a name for this monster. The probable reason behind this unexplained rage and kill 'em all attitude lately. You've been warned.
I haven't been properly diagnosed by a professional yet. Because I don't think people in this part of the world would know what THIS is specifically, and they will most likely diagnose me as crazy straight away (And I fear they will throw me straight to the asylum). It's either you are crazy or not crazy which kinda sucks because there is nothing in between like mildly crazy or just PMDDing. And a crazy person diagnosing a crazy person crazy is most likely crazy. So self-diagnosing is probably not a good thing. I am just kidding I'm not that crazy < insert wild laugh here >. I can still function like everyone else (I got it all planned! < insert evil laugh here>). So today, I am probably just PMDDing. But of course, don't y'all worry, I got this. I got you.
As a woman pushing 40, what can you expect? Okay, that's still 3 years from now so I am just a 37-year-old girl, let's not all be in a hurry here. Don't fall for my naive outward appearance because I might be less dumb than I look, or not. My self-imposed isolation greatly helps in my vampiric immortality. To those who can't help but not take me seriously, watch out because you don't know what you're getting into. Beneath the surface is a grumpy oldie. I am time-traveling for all you know, not fun actually. Like one time when I entered a store, the security asked how old I am (Too young and too old people are not allowed to roam around, Pandemic duh). In this case, I am not sure if I should feel insulted for looking too young or worse.
Anyway, that was not the point. The point is, this is the inevitable reality of getting old. I am now experiencing bouts of emotional and physical pain, or should I say, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder or PMDD. It is different from PMS as it's more about emotional symptoms. Medical history or a history of a dysfunctional family may have something to do with it too. Sometimes I wish I can walk around wearing a warning sign or something to avoid losing relationships or losing it out there totally. I mean guys, just please be extra nice.
Oh my Gawd (I avoid using God's name in vain and I don't want to sound like a disappointed teenager expressing herself), no wonder I hate everyone (not only today)or I feel like everyone hates me these days. Depression, tension, irritability, and extreme anxiety are just some of the diabolic symptoms you need to watch out for.
You might have probably noticed this in my writing. Most of the time, I sound hopeful, positive, and even funny sometimes, I hope. Then by the end of the month, dark clouds start to appear. I feel painfully low and disconnected all of a sudden. I have all these irrational thoughts and uncontrollable urge to wipe out humanity. I suddenly turned into another version of me creatively writing about how the world should finally end. And when that time comes, all these bad feelings will all go away just like that. I am in control again and ready for world domination.
I am doing my best to give myself extra care during these negative times and not be too hard on myself. Like if I want to just curl up in bed and binge-watch on Netflix, that's completely okay. And of course, I still go outside to get some fresh air and a little exercise while effortlessly staying away from other humans. All I can do is all I can do.
I might be battling with PMDD once a month but know that this is not Me. I don't let this define Me. I can be anything and write anything anytime that's the thing. I am just being randomly Me, a blank canvas. In a good way. But, if I get too sensitive and all, that is not ME, or...
previously, previously, previously,