If you are a true tobacco enthusiast like me, you already know that some of the tastiest smokes sometimes go overlooked and with cigarettes running as high $12.00 a pack in some states, you are always looking for ways to enjoy your past time on a budget. While most people buy their cigarettes from the corner store, they often don’t realize that some of the most flavorful cigarettes are to be found, free of charge, on the grime encrusted alleys and sidewalks of this great country.
So without further adieu, let's take a look at some of the choicest cigarette butts I’ve smoked in 2017.
East St. Louis, IL
I found this beauty behind the abandoned porno theater on River Park Drive. Sure, it was a little soggy, but if anything that added moisture cut down on the flat, filtered-out flavor and dry taste you often get with inferior cigarette butts. There was just enough fine, specially selected tobacco in this puppy for me to get a decent sized drag. A top quality cigarette butt like this is why I keep coming back to this abandoned porno theater again and again.
Williamsburg, Brooklyn, NY
Look at this beauty! Some trust-fund hipster brat discarded this near pristine hand-rolled cigarette butt on Bedford Avenue! If you think about it, fine tobacco itself is the best filter. When you go filterless, there is no place for the flavor to hide. A find like this is just plain rad. Why are you looking at me like that? I’m smoking it.
The Boardwalk, Atlantic City, NJ
After having unprotected sex with a beautiful woman on the beach… you need a cigarette. Am I right, fellas? And the Jersey Shore is great because cigarette butts are just lying around everywhere. I found these two beautiful butts buried in the sand and enjoyed a nice, post-coital celebratory smoke with Brandy, a cocktail waitress I made friends with at the Tropicana. They were Pall Malls, so naturally they had that cool, mild, good-tasting flavor you would expect from any Phillip Morris product. Sadly, my little smokebreak was cut short. The seagulls are particularly aggressive in this part of the Northeast and this gutter bird flew off with my cigarette butt before I had a chance to finish it.
Interstate 275, Somewhere in Ohio
Sometimes you want to go au naturel. There’s nothing better than finding a cigarette butt in the great outdoors. I’m driving down route 275 and nature calls. I pull over to take a leak in this wheat field and find this gem of a cigarette butt in the grass. It was under a log, which shielded it from the elements to some extent. I put it in my mouth, light up and pull hard. It has sort of a woodsy taste with pine notes, but just enough menthol to let the tobacco taste come through. It was a little gamey for my taste, but still a great smoke.
Sts. Cyril & Methodius and St. Raphael Roman Catholic Church, 11th Avenue, New York City
I found this next cigarette butt just outside of the Croatian church in Hell’s Kitchen near the Lincoln Tunnel. My dear friend was retiring from the Metropolitan Transit Authority and they were throwing him a party. Much to my surprise, I never received an invitation in the mail. Anyway, once I got there, the front door was locked, but there was no way in hell I was gonna’ miss this shindig. If I wanted to make it in, I was gonna’ have to hop the fence. The fence was tall and spikey, so I grabbed a welcome mat and slung it over the top of the fence so I wouldn’t hurt my balls. Underneath the welcome mat was a cigarette butt. I pocketed it, saving it for later. “Let’s get this party started,” I shouted as I entered the building. My friend’s bitch of a wife told me I wasn’t welcome and threatened to call the police. As I left it started to rain. I took a drag on my cigarette butt, a better friend than those assholes in the MTA.
Pyramid Corporate Solutions LLC Parking Lot, Grand Rapids Michigan
Let me tell you about a once in a lifetime investment opportunity. Now, I know what you are going to say: “that sounds like a pyramid scheme”. Believe me, it’s not a pyramid scheme. Here’s how it works, if you recruit 10 other people to invest $100 in this “no fail” investment opportunity, those 10 people will pay you. Now, you tell those 10 people to recruit 10 more. If everyone is successful, they’ll earn $900 on their original $100 investment. Everybody wins! Here’s the best part: it’s no risk! Wait! What’s this, a cigarette butt? Oh boy, this is my lucky day! It’s a Marlboro red! I smoke them because they’re the taste of success.
Shoppingtown Mall, Syracuse New York
Jackpot! It’s an all you can smoke buffet! My work as a professional drifter often takes me to Syracuse and when I have nothing better to do I hang out at this shopping center just outside of town. This mall is practically deserted! You can stay here all day! People here are usually cool, but now and then you run into some narcs and John Laws in the public library who don’t take kindly to hustlers. After I was escorted from the premises, I found this beautiful ashtray outside the entrance. I’ve made a lot of friends here. I often play hacky sack with local teenagers and teach them about drinking and smoking. I’ve smoked many good cigarette butts here (too many to list) but one Parliament butt still stands out in my memory. Something magical happens when you smoke a Parliament cigarette butt: you put it in your mouth, light it up and flavor happens. Good smokes. Good friends. Good times.
(Disclosure: American Carnage is sponsored by the Philip Morris Corporation)