I'm taking an intensive course in order to edit my own work better (so the Editor I use won't charge like a wounded bull when I send my manuscript in).
I knew I had a lot to do on the story. I didn't realise how much there was to learn! Things sure have changed since I started writing.
The last lesson is Here
Here are the comparisons again.
Ashleigh had worked since before her ninth birthday. Not full-time, actual jobs, but she always grafted and schemed, found something to do and ways to earn a few pennies. One day, off exploring in the fields, she spoke to her friend, Nibbler the pony. “I know what I’m going to do. I’m going to save up all my money and buy a bike.”
The pony shifted under the weight of her head and arm slung across his back. His fur rubbed against her face and Ashleigh smiled. The warmth of his body and regularity of his breathing reassured her. She pressed her ear close to his withers to feel the pony chomp at his lunch. The sound resonated through his ribcage, reverberated in her head. Pungent pony smell ingrained in the pores on her hands. It lingered in her clothes and hair and gave a little comfort even after she’d left the fields and gone home.
Ashleigh always said yes if asked to run errands for the old-folk on the street. Posting a letter, or fetching a loaf of bread and a tin of beans took her out of the game and gave her something to do other than waiting at the back of the line for her turn.
One old lady, Ashleigh’s most regular client said the same thing every time. She pressed a carefully written shopping list and a few coins into Ashleigh’s outstretched hand. “Make sure you don’t dawdle.”
Ashleigh’s hand clutched the paper and coins tight. “I don’t dawdle.” She ran to the shop to finish the errand in a timely manner for that old lady.
The other kids, especially the bigger ones, either ignored the old folks’ shouts or couldn’t hear over their own boisterous noise. Ashleigh tuned-in to perfection and abandoned the game in favour of money in exchange for work.
Since deciding she had a goal to work toward, Ashleigh put games to the bottom of her list of priorities. She saved every last penny she earned from the errands and chores. The only sweets or treats she got were those given as substitute, payment in kind rather than the cash she preferred.
Ashleigh had worked since before her ninth birthday. Not full-time, actual jobs, but she always grafted and schemed, found something to do and ways to earn a few pennies. One day, off exploring in the fields, she spoke to her friend, Nibbler the pony. “D’you know what I’m going to do, boy? I’m going to save up all my money and buy a bike.”
The pony shifted under the weight of her head and arm slung across his back. His short, prickly fur rubbed against her face, and Ashleigh smiled. The warmth of his body and regularity of his breathing reassured her.
A thought occurred to her. “If I could save enough money to buy a bike, I could save enough money to buy a pony.”
She pressed her ear close to his withers to feel the pony chomp at his lunch. The sound resonated through his ribcage, reverberated in her head. Pungent pony smell ingrained in the pores on her hands. It lingered in her clothes and hair and she took a little comfort from it; even after she’d left the fields and gone home.
Ashleigh always said yes if asked to run errands for the old-folk on the street. Posting a letter, or fetching a loaf of bread and a tin of beans took her out of the game and gave her something to do other than waiting at the back of the line for her turn.
Mrs. Wakefield, Ashleigh’s most regular client said the same thing every time. She pressed a carefully written shopping list and a few coins into Ashleigh’s outstretched hand. “Make sure you don’t dawdle.”
Ashleigh’s hand clutched the paper and coins tight. “I don’t dawdle.” She ran to the shop to finish the errand in a timely manner for the old lady.
The other kids, especially the bigger ones, either ignored the old folks’ shouts or couldn’t hear over their own boisterous noise. Ashleigh tuned-in to perfection and abandoned the game in favour of money in exchange for work.
Since deciding she had a goal to work toward, Ashleigh put games to the bottom of her list of priorities. She saved every last penny she earned from the errands and chores. Sweets or treats given as substitute, payment in kind rather than the cash she preferred, she sold to the other kids.
As you can see, the text on the new version hasn't changed a great deal, but it has expanded. I took the advice given in the comments on the last post I wrote on this matter and I think it made a great deal of difference, so thank you @bashadow, @rebeccabe and @cecicastor.
I also think the text lurches clumsily when we move from Nibbler and the ponies to playing games with friends and running errands. I need to address that.
Today I have an assignment of conjunctions.
This is the assignment:
Write four sentences with two independent clauses properly using a comma and conjunction.
Then use two sentences from your manuscript that are incorrectly written and correct them. Post the incorrect sentence and the correct sentence.
Oh boy! On with it, then!