Yesterday, 4/20, was my grandson’s 11th birthday. I’m in the dog house for not calling him in a timely manner and I was busy when they called me. When I called later in the evening my daughter ignored the call (gotta love todays technology where you can tell the person actually denied the call rather then just missing it lol).
Today I woke up dwelling on it. I caught myself in thought process that I have come to know so well. One of blame. “She should know by now that I’m a flake” “She should understand that I have had a hard week”. Then comes feeling of shame. “Should I say I’m sorry?” “She should apologize to me”. You get the point. It brings to mind something my friend Kat used to say frequently “ Don’t should all over yourself”.
I’ve heard it said that expectations for just per-planned resentments. It got me to start thinking about how this scenario plays out in relationships of all types. The resounding theme being that I (I will speak for myself, even though I think everyone does this to some degree) create my own frustration by placing expectations on myself and others. In my quest for self-enlightenment, I have learned that I do this often and have since I was young. Today I have discovered that these feelings take me away from my spirituality.
If I know this statement above to be true, why would I pre-plan my resentments? What is the payoff for being resentful? The answer is simple, so simple that it’s complicated. When I put up a wall of resentment I get a false sense of righteousness, (the quality of being morally right or justifiable, yes I looked it up lol). The feeling of anger is the corner stone of resentment and anger protects me from my real feelings. The feelings of failure, regret, sadness, isolation, disappointment…you catch my drift. But why would I want to be angry? If I’m angry it gives me the ability to shift blame to someone else. Anger keeps me from change. Anger keeps me stuck in old patterns that are toxic and hurtful to those I love.
In closing the lesson I’m learning (slowly but surely) is to be able to acknowledge my true feelings and act accordingly. To take ownership of my shortcomings and stop deflecting. To remember my commitment to spiritual and mental health. This isn’t to say I don’t fall short, I do frequently in fact, but I don’t get stuck for long and I make it right. Once we see and acknowledge our negative behaviors we can no longer hide and we are responsible to make appropriate changes to stop the hurt.
I got in my head yesterday about this post and decided to table it. I want to say that my daughter started to talk me on Facebook and wasn’t mad at all. Funny where the mind goes. I know that for me the Universe teaches me lessons when I’m able to see and for that I am grateful. Peace, Jen