Several times lately I've expressed gratitude and admiration and inspiration to lovely friends, and while they usually will say "thank you" they are also very quick to defend their smallness and deflect the credit.
For instance, I thanked and acknowledged my friend for some things she said, which had inspired me. Her response - "well, those weren't really my original words, but were just stolen from another." In other words she is implying she doesn't deserve the credit I want to give her. Then there is another friend with whom I shared my admiration for how she seems to me to have her life all in order. She responds, "well...My world isn't really as good as it seems. Things are actually quite a shit storm behind what you're seeing."
Why do we do this? We do we work and strive to do our best and yet squirm and deflect in avoidance and discomfort when someone says the way we be inspires them?!
I do it too...someone might compliment my physique, and while I love getting such feedback and I do say "thank you," I blushingly brush it off as just lucky genetics. Or, that I do work out a lot, but it's just to keep my crazies away. I usually omit that it's also because I delight in the results I get from dedicating to rigorous practices of yoga asana, weight lifting, running, meditation, journaling and self reflection and diet and personal grooming routines.
Why are we so keen on and quick to deflect credit and take blame? What in the hell is that specific discomfort that we are resisting?
I think for me it is vulnerability. What if I admitted my truth? ... that I delight in my daily routines of physical care, and then they mocked or laughed? "You delight in dedicating...? 😂 just how vain are you?" Or for my friend who's words inspired me...what if she just acknowledged my compliment and then later I found out the original source of her words were someone else's? I suppose her ego might fear then that I would think less of her for falsely claiming to be the inspiration source? I wouldn't...HER sharing the words was MY "ah ha" moment, so I don't really care who was the true "original" source. The original source for my experience was her! Or my other friend who seems to have it all together...I suppose her ego just fears that she isn't so perfect and so she needs to share that upfront in her deflection of my compliment lest her truth be painfully revealed later?
I get it. We just don't want to falsely claim praise. But all this self protective deflection makes my words feel less received. I feel less heard when friends deflect like this. I feel a little vulnerable in honestly revealing how their words or way of living have impacted me, but then their resistance shuts everything down. Like a big giant shut down of the vulnerability party of everyone involved! Maybe my own vulnerability even makes them uncomfortable?
I don't have all the answers...but I like thinking all of these things through.