'ello Steemians,
I'm going to apologise if this is getting in the realm of too personal during this deep reflection kind of post but I need to get it out. -Offers a glass of wine to anyone that would listen-
I'm not sure how common it is to remember our dreams for the average person or how easy it is to wield our dreams to our will. More often than not I tend not to remember my dreams and the ones I do remember often leaves me disturbed and haunted. It wasn't always the case, I remember back in my adolescence the dreams were happier, pleasant realities of what could be.
Now I'm an adult, feels like I just finished my bachelor's degree though in reality it's already been a year since then. Soon to start another academic journey for my Masters. I have been enduring the struggles of working full-time and haven't had significant a relationship for eleven years now? Suppose... I've been married to my work all this time. I would certainly admit there is no shortage of stresses.
I have heard dreams are a consolidation of memories and our experiences as we go through our day and it's a way of reviewing and storing them into long term memories. Every now and then we may dream of past memories. Revisiting some of my memories from past loved ones it’s sad, but I've heard our brain is revisiting these memories because while living them they brought happiness. During these rough times my subconscious as it were wants me to be happy. And supposedly from what I heard, these past loved ones were a bystander of that happiness. Maybe my subconscious wants me to find love and be happy. However, it's all bittersweet. Sometimes I wish I could forget these memories and not open up old wounds.
I'm still tortured by the dreams I still have of my first love, grade school sweethearts. Going away for college put a strain on our relationship and was like a wedge with how difficult it was for the both of us. Eventually we split up. So many of my fondest memories and much of my personal development was during grade school with that one relationship. Now I dream of what could have been and where they are right now in their life, their family that once had close ties to you, the new challenges they're taking on in their life. Long ago, thanks to social media it's sad to see soo many going on in their life. Time certainly doesn't wait for no one. I can't help but feel so stagnant while being so busy. Trying to reconnect with those from my past, it sounds wonderful. But so many can hardly spare the time to make meaningful connections. Maybe, myself included to some degree. Sometimes the past feels like a trap like a vicious angler. I want to forget it so bad, yet I want to throw away a future to relish it again.
Image from wehearit.com
Other nightmares I have might be from my regular weekly stresses and struggles. I don't know if it's common to many with full time jobs to have anxiety and sometimes nausea the eve before starting a new week back at work. Going through a mental checklist of tasks for the week that was left undone, what events to prepare for, what threats that can go wrong and mess up everything for the client. Being liable for so much and maybe the only one during the shift that has a chance to solve the issue. I could imagine these stresses leading to nightmares of zombie apocalypses that you can't seem to wake up from and a terror possibly in every corner.
Trailer from the game Alien Isolation, similar atmosphere to my terrors.
Or being in the middle of nuclear threat and you're the last remaining hope to stop an all out war ending our way of life. Again and again being in a scenario that you can potentially survive but one slip up it becomes an impossible scenario. Maybe it's my self doubt, people putting faith in me to rise to the occasion and I'm afraid of losing it all.
I really don't know what I have to do break this habit. I'm afraid it won't get easier and life will continue to bury me alive. Maybe I have to change my environment and meet new people but it hardly seems feasible. I wish I was more of a free spirit but instead I feel shackled in responsibility and a scale too much in one side to ever balance out.
Thank you for staying with me~~