Good day Steemit Family. I hope you are all doing well. Today I want to share a drawing that means a lot to me as well as the experience that led up to it. It is not something I like talking about, since it is highly uncomfortable and a bit terrifying for me to speak on. Every time I have shared it with people hoping they would have some insight or understand it has just led to me feeling like a fool, because not only did they not understand, they looked at me as less than afterward. Well...... fuck that. :)
After completing my interview for Migraine Again, which stirred some of the experiences, and seeing some very brave words by others here in the community I decided what the hell?
About 8ish years ago when my migraines started getting increasingly strange I was having "hallucinations" or "out of body experiences" during and around the time of a migraine. I had no frame of reference for what was happening, and was pretty convinced I was just dying.
The most memorable of these migraine experiences was the night I found what I now refer to as the Ineffable Wink. It was a night like any other night. I was walking around campus with no destination, something I did frequently since wandering aimlessly really helped me think.
Worlds of Awakening
All of a sudden it was like my perception split in two. I was wholly walking around campus, but at the same time I was in another place. It wasn’t like split screen, these two experiences were somehow both happening. There is no good way to describe it. It was like there were two me’s having a different experience at the same time.
So I am experiencing walking down a sidewalk on campus and at the same time I am in another place walking down a dirt path in a perfectly mowed and perfectly flat field except for about a foot on both sides of the path where the grass was grown up about six inches.
This place has very low light. The only source of light in the whole scenario is coming from some oddly shaped sculpture like orbs throughout the field that all glow in their own color, some colors that I have never seen again anywhere.
So I am walking around campus and I am walking around this strange world. I become slightly less aware of walking around campus in my fascination with the experience and I am more aware of walking down this dirt path in this other environment.
As I continue walking it comes to my awareness that I cannot think. It is like I can’t form any type of thought at all, as if all concepts and symbols had become inaccessible. The more I struggled to form a thought the more frustrated and scared I became. All of a sudden there was like a tear in reality as I got yanked off into yet another place.
Ambiguous Quantum Entanglement
So now slightly less aware of being on campus, and still walking down a dirt path trying to have a thought, I am now also formless, and in a “place” where everything seems to be made of some type of gel/vapor and everything is “one thing” that my formless awareness was moving through. The whole endless space was faces, made of faces, tangled in faces that were spelled in faces, in some absurd hierarchy, and they were pouring through the full spectrum of emotion and expression.
In these 3 worlds I had no thoughts, only what I would describe as some symphony of orchestrated tension and release throughout my being. Then just as suddenly as I was pulled into the third world I was pulled back out, and no longer even aware of walking on campus. I was only in this lowly light world walking thoughtless down a dirt path that once seemed to stretch out forever now was blocked by a wall of water a few hunred yards ahead that was a few thousand feet tall.
The Final Curtain
As I got closer to this wall of water it was struck by a bolt of lightning and it shattered like glass would and fell to the ground. Behind this pile of shattered water an enormous curtain was revealed and slightly open. As I made my way to the other side of the curtain I saw in heavenly glowing gold something that has evaded my attempts at description for the last 8 years.
Similarly to the hierarchy of the gel of entangled faces of infinite expression I stood before the true face of the Ineffable Wink. It was everything doing everything. It was literally every conceivable object doing every possible action simultaneously as one.
Before I could inspect it very closely I woke up on the sidewalk on campus feeling like someone had been beating my head with a spiked hammer. Then I painstakingly made my way home which was the longest two blocks I have ever walked.
First Attempt Describing
About a week later I started drawing this picture as a way to sort out what still seems to be an impossible puzzle.
I thought a base of smoke would help me iron out the details and ambiguity of how such an illusion worked, and maybe it still is the best base. It is still nowhere near the hierarchy of entangled faces that experienced that night, but maybe one day I will be able to record some degree of this ineffable wink.
Further Exploration and Support From the Steem Family
After a a couple of short conversations with @anritco, @reeceypie a few days ago, and a little research I have decided that my plan to use steem to buy a new guitar was the wrong plan. I have decided instead to use some of the steem dollars I earn to purchase some equipment that will allow me to paint 3-D in a Virtual Reality environment. I believe this could be the perfect tool to further explore the territory of the Ineffable Wink and maybe even be a great way to work out other projects I have had in mind. If you would like to help fund that endeavor then please up-vote and resteem
