Motivational speakers will always tell you that dreams come true. I don't know which dream because I have been running a lot in my dreams and I am yet to lose any weight and every morning, I wake up feeling exhausted.
You know what else is exhausting? A ride in a public bus to work every morning. It seems everybody is mad in Lagos. More like corporate madness. Everyday inside the bus, one drama must take place between the bus conductor and a passenger. For the benefits of those who may not know who a bus conductor is, a bus conductor is a driver's assistant that hangs by the door of the bus, chants for passengers, collects money from them and informs the driver when a passenger gets to his or her destination for a pull over.
Last week, on my way to work, I boarded one of such buses. Two girls were seated Infront besides the driver. The conductor had collected money from all the passengers in the bus except for the two ladies. They insisted they won't pay until they get to their bus stop which is the normal thing in a sane environment but remember I said we aren't sane in Lagos?
The next thing I heard were raised voices. The conductor was shouting at them and the two ladies were responding like soprano singers that have memorized the lyrics of the insults. All they were saying was, "Thunder fire you. Thunder fire your mother, thunder fire your father" and the conductor was giving it back to them. It felt like a call and response gospel music. It was as if thunder was being graciously distributed in the vehicle so much that one passenger had to beg to alight before the thunder got to him馃榾馃榾馃榾.
I thought I had seen it all until I boarded a bus to work the next day and met the Conductor with two male passengers quarreling over change. The conductor insisted that their transport fare was 400 ($0.65) and not 300 ($0.5. The passengers on the other hand said if he doesn't give them the correct change when they get to their bus stop that they will beat him up. The conductor charged up, his face contorted with rage. He dared them in seven ways to beat him up. In Fact he said he was going to beat them so badly their mother won't recognise them. One of the passengers now informed him that they know where he goes to drink every evening and also where he lives.
The conductor continued blabbing right next to me. For once I appreciated COVID 19, if not his saliva would have washed my face clean of every makeup. Good thing I had my nose mask.
As we got closer to the bus stop where the passengers were to alight, everybody was expecting a meltdown or perhaps a showdown but what happened shocked us. The conductor gave them the right change and started begging. He offered to buy them drinks should they meet him by 5pm at the said joint. He even implored the rest passengers to help him beg the boys and remind them that he is an old man and one blow from them would make his children fatherless.
The bus couldn't contain the laughter of everyone in it. I mean, this was the same person that minutes ago was literally describing how he was going to beat up the two passengers.
Isn't it crazy? That's Lagos for you. Only very few people are mentally alright here, Ben, I and two others that i am yet to know their location.
