BECOMING BONOBO
A Play in One Act
by
Troy Camplin
Cast of Characters
Bonny: A woman in her late twenties to early thirties.
Pam: A woman in her late twenties to early thirties.
Randy: Bonny’s husband; in his early thirties.
Scene
An apartment.
Time
The future.
ACT 1
Scene 1
SETTING: A minimalist set: a plastic-covered couch with an end table, on which sits a remote control.
AT RISE: BONNY and PAM enter BONNY’s living room, carrying shopping bags. They place the bags on the floor beside the couch. Each drops onto the couch, exhausted. As the play progresses, they become more animated, gesticulating, etc. Both should act out whatever is implied in the dialogue.
BONNY
My God, I am exhausted!
PAM
And sore.
BONNY
Sore! My God, talk about sore! Shopping’s such an ordeal anymore.
PAM
I think we’ve overdone it.
BONNY
You and me?
PAM
You, me, society! It’s all too much!
BONNY
I know just what you mean. The cure – in pill form – has become the disease.
PAM
Yeah. The male pill has him shooting blanks. The female pill has me shooting blanks. The morning after pill sweeps up afterwards in case any shots were ever fired.
BONNY
And why wait for recovery? Viagra keeps him up for hours. The same hours the eight hour sleep pills we take give us. R.E.M. in a bottle. The only thing that gets done more is me!
PAM
They’ve made actors of us all.
BONNY
Don’t have to be attracted – our pills will make us act as though we are. We’re always ready to do the act. Every man can now perform at any time, at any place – and every woman wants him to, it seems.
PAM
Remember venereal diseases? With them gone, there’s no stopping anyone.
BONNY
It’s safe to sleep around. And everyone does. All the time.
PAM
I wish he would, give me a break.
BONNY
Won’t catch a thing, won’t get anyone pregnant.
PAM
It’s better. Better not to have disease, accidental pregnancies.
BONNY
It’s true, but . . . the danger slowed them down, at least. A life without consequences . . .
PAM
Makes women sore and tired.
BONNY
And social stigmas! Why’d we give up those?
PAM
It’s everywhere and anywhere.
BONNY
It’s freedom of expression.
PAM
Ah, yes! Expression. Expression in the park, expression in the car, expression in the corner store. Is there any place I can go where people aren’t expressing themselves with each other?
BONNY
Not that we’re any better. Besides, it comes in handy if you’re short on cash.
PAM
True. There’s likely to be someone in the store who’s willing to make a cashless trade.
BONNY
A pop or candy bar . . .
PAM
A pop or candy bar? You don’t know what I did to get that big screen T.V. I have.
BONNY
Just goes to show, it’s not money makes wealth.
PAM
Reproductionless productions. Now, that’s an incentive to produce.
BONNY
You know, when I was young, I remember people shaking hands to greet each other.
PAM
A messier business now, for sure. Not as many colds or flus passed around now, though.
BONNY
That’s true. You never really think of that.
PAM
But then, there’s all the furniture.
BONNY
All plastic-covered . . .
PAM
So no one stains.
BONNY
It’s crinkle-crinkle everywhere.
PAM
But women are in charge now.
BONNY
I know. Who knew that men would give up power everywhere for constant sex?
PAM
Directly, indirectly.
BONNY
I never expected Freud was right on this one.
PAM
That the masculine drive for political power was really sublimated sexual urges?
BONNY
By sexually oppressed . . .
PAM
Or practically impotent . . . .
BONNY
Older men?
PAM
Precisely.
BONNY
How often have the younger tried to rule?
PAM
Not often.
BONNY
Much too busy getting laid.
PAM
Or trying to.
BONNY
But now with youth pills . . .
PAM
And Viagra . . .
BONNY
And social stigmas gone . . .
PAM
The men don’t try to rule.
BONNY
Too busy getting laid.
PAM
Or trying to.
BONNY
And wealth! We women now have all the wealth.
PAM
My ass is such an asset now.
BONNY
Each woman has her purse to fill.
PAM
The jealous, prudes, and moralists all live in poverty.
BONNY
But not us.
PAM
Oh, no! Not us!
BONNY
An economic boom.
PAM
(grabbing her own breasts)
An economic bust.
BONNY
Men and women work and work.
PAM
And that is why they work so hard.
BONNY
All busy getting laid.
PAM
Or trying to.
(Enter RANDY, BONNY’s husband.)
RANDY
(to PAM)
I’d greet you, Pam, but I haven’t greeted Bonny yet.
BONNY
Well, greet me later. I can’t take a greeting now.
RANDY
Congratulate me, then.
BONNY
Congratulations!
PAM
Good for you!
BONNY
I can’t believe your luck!
PAM
It can’t have happened to a nicer person!
BONNY
You certainly deserve it. You worked so hard.
PAM
Did everything you could . . .
BONNY
And should . . .
PAM
And would . . .
BONNY
The excitement almost makes me want to greet you. What happened, dear?
RANDY
I got promoted and a raise.
BONNY
So soon!
PAM
So quickly!
RANDY
Teatime in the boss’s office daily. That’s what gets it done. Make your boss a sandwich now and then. It gets results.
PAM
Congratulations!
BONNY
Good for you!
RANDY
And now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to take a shower.
(Exit RANDY)
BONNY
He always takes a shower after work.
PAM
Well, I do, too. Or when I’m finished shopping. Or visiting my friends. Or after a walk. Of after I get back from a restaurant. Or whenever I’m pulled over by a cop. Or after the movies or a play or a ballet or the opera or the symphony or the museum – though I try to show some decorum there – or a concert or a poetry reading or the library. Or after yoga. And the gym, of course.
BONNY
I shower once a day, no matter what I do. My water bill would be outrageous.
PAM
You have to catch the meter man whenever he makes his rounds.
BONNY
Don’t pay your water bill?
PAM
Less than you, at least. And I use much more water.
BONNY
Mine’s more of a meter maid, so that won’t work for me. Lovely Rita . . .
PAM
Don’t swing that way? Who doesn’t swing that way today?
BONNY
She doesn’t seem to swing either way.
PAM
How strange!
BONNY
I know. Everybody on this block pays full price for their water.
PAM
A prude?
BONNY
A virgin.
PAM
There are virgins still?
BONNY
She’s antisocial. Never met anyone like her.
PAM
Yes, antisocial. No greeting anyone? In any way at all?
BONNY
And pays for everything – full price! – with cash and cash alone.
PAM
I can’t believe that such a thing exists . . .
BONNY
An oddity, I know.
PAM
I remember when I was a virgin. Life was so much simpler then . . .
BONNY
Of course it was. You lived with your parents, didn’t have a job, and your parents paid for everything.
PAM
And now I live with my husband, don’t have a job, and it’s my making prostates pulsate which pays for everything.
BONNY
So, except the virginity thing, not much has changed?
PAM
Not really. Except, I shower more.
(Enter RANDY in a bathrobe)
RANDY
Anyone ready to get greeted now?
BONNY
We just got back from shopping, Randy.
RANDY
You really ought to try to get back home at least an hour before I do so that you’re ready for me to come home.
BONNY
I don’t know who you think you’re talking to. Go make me dinner.
RANDY
And then . . . ?
BONNY
We’ll see.
(Exit RANDY)
PAM
Poor thing. I ought to go and greet him. I am a guest here in his home.
BONNY
Go. Greet him. Be my guest. I need a break.
(PAM stands and exits in the direction of RANDY.)
BONNY
That woman is insatiable. She must be taking Libidoprone. The last thing that I need.
(BONNY stands and wanders back and forth a few times. She glances at her watch.)
Well, this is boring. I guess I should have greeted my husband home from work.
(BONNY glances at her watch again.)
Would you please hurry up in there? I want to have my friend back. Perhaps some dinner, too!
(BONNY paces once more, then slumps onto the couch.)
Let’s see what’s on T.V.
(BONNY picks up the remote and aims it at the audience.)
Let’s see. Porn, porn, porn. Shopping. Cooking channel. Porn. Reality T.V. Porn. Reality porn. Viagra infomercial. Might as well be porn. Documentary on the sexual and social habits of the bonobo, also known as the pygmy chimpanzee. Porn. Libidoprone commercial. Silver bullet commercial. Ah, the news . . . is . . . over. What’s on next? Oh. Porn.
(BONNY turns off the T.V., puts down the remote. Enter PAM.)
PAM
I heard the T.V. on.
BONNY
There’s nothing on. You find out what’s for dinner?
PAM
I got an appetizer out of him.
BONNY
So, what’s he going to make?
PAM
Bruschetta.
BONNY
Nice! Italian, then.
PAM
Blackened chicken with fettuccini alfredo.
BONNY
You’re staying for dinner?
PAM
Of course. I love Randy’s alfredo sauce. His chicken is to die for.
BONNY
You should try his coq au vin.
(Enter RANDY.)
Randy
I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. I’m completely out of cream.
BONNY
Completely out of cream? I’ve never known you to be out of cream.
PAM
Oh, no! You can’t be out of cream. I had my heart set on your sauce.
RANDY
I know. I thought I had some left.
BONNY
I guess you’ll want me to go to the store to get some?
RANDY
No cream, no sauce. It’s up to you. How bad you want it?
PAM
Please go. I really want it. I really, really, really want it bad.
(BONNY stands.)
BONNY
I have to take care of my guests. Meet all their needs, I guess. I’ll be back in a minute with the cream. Do we need anything else?
RANDY
You want some eggs and sausage in the morning, get those too. Want white sausage gravy on your biscuits, too?
BONNY
Sounds good. You know how much I love your sausage gravy.
RANDY
Some flour, then. I’m out.
BONNY
That’s practically grocery shopping.
RANDY
That’s all I need. Unless you want to have some tacos. I have the meat and chile and the sour cream, you just bring the taco.
BONNY
That all you need?
RANDY
I’m satisfied if you are.
BONNY
Then I’ll come back in just a bit.
RANDY
Come soon. We need to keep our guest here satisfied.
BONNY
I’ll come as soon as I get what I need. Be patient.
(Exit BONNY)
RANDY
She always takes much longer than is really necessary.
PAM
Well, that’s okay. I’ll entertain you while she’s gone. If you’re up to it.
RANDY
Libidoprone?
PAM
I take it twice a day.
(RANDY follows PAM offstage.)
(BLACKOUT)
(END OF SCENE)