Cuando se apagan las velas.When the candles go out. [ESP-ENG]

Cada vez que apagamos velitas, la vida irónicamente nos dice que estamos dejando un año atrás. Me puse a observar el otro día como una señora reía mientras todos cantaban happy Birthday y ella apagaba las velas. Alguién se da cuenta lo efímeras que resultan esas velas modernas que se apagan casi cuando las prendes. Cómo se derrite la vela de cera cada vez que la encendemos. Este año no quiero, no pienso soplar velas, no quiero ver como se gasta la vela sin darme tan siquiera tiempo a soplarla. Los cumpleaños debieran ser actos solennes donde honrremos lo aprendido, las experiencias, esas canas que salieron antes de tiempo porque la vida a nuestro alrededor transcurre a veces sin que no demos cuenta que hace dias no nos miramos al espejo.

A veces me paso tiempo sin mirarme al espejo y cuando lo hago siempre descubro que hay una nueva arruga, que el color de mis ojos comenzaron a cambiar, que mi pelo negro es burlado por un mechon de canas que herede por genética y que se me ha pasado ocultar con un tinte. Todo ocurre tan rápido que no nos detenemos a observar la dicha que tenemos de envejecer.

Hoy mi mamá quiso ir de visita a casa de mi hermano, en Granma, un poco distante de dónde vivimos, aunque ya no deambula como antes, se conoce al dedillo la casa donde vive ahora conmigo y se mueve a su antojo, es decir que me sentía engañada o quise dejarme arrastrar y no estaba leyendo las letras pequeñas.

Mi mamá se está convirtiendo en una persona extremadamente dependiente, hoy la noté indefensa. Media sus pasos, caminaba insegura y sus ojos como que veían al vacio. No ve nada y pensé que sí, es que su teléfono se lo conoce y como llama a pocas personas, las tiene en marcación rápida y está diestra en eso.

Todas esas conclusiones que fueron a mi entender precipitadas agolpando mi mente las hice en segundos, mientras le decía "mami cuidate y portate bien" con un nudo en la garganta.

Lloré, no fue culpa, ni remordimientos, ni siquiera lo planeé, no contuve las lágrimas, ella realmente está viejita y no se quiere dar por vencida, agarra las riendas y no hay quien le abra las manos para arrebatarselas, ella decidió echar la pelea contra todos y ganarla.

Me siento que estoy exagerando pero mientras se alejaba la guagua sentí que se desprendía algo de mi pecho. Yo aunque más joven ya peino canas, 50 años es medio siglo, miro a mi mamá y me veo envejeciendo junto a ella.

Quisiera ser ese puerto seguro donde ella encuentre aún esperanzas, ser su consuelo cuando sienta que sus fuerzas desfallecen. Compartir ese territorio que un dia prometimos, ella cuando me arrullaba en sus brazos y yo cuando la sostengo del brazo y pacientemente la guio para que no tropiece.

Al final cuando las velas se apagan lo único que nos queda es el amor que supimos sostener.

Every time we put out little candles, life ironically tells us that we are leaving a year behind.

I started watching the other day as a lady was laughing while everyone was singing happy Birthday and she was blowing out the candles.

Someone realizes how ephemeral those Moderna candles turn out to be that they go out almost when you light them. How the wax candle melts every time we light it.

This year I don't want, I don't plan to blow out candles, I don't want to see how the candle is spent without even giving myself time to blow it out.

Birthdays should be sunny events where we honor what we have learned, experiences, those gray hairs that came out early because life around us sometimes goes by without us realizing that we haven't looked at ourselves in the mirror for days.

Sometimes I spend time without looking at myself in the mirror and when I do I always discover that there is a new wrinkle, that the color of my eyes began to change, that my black hair is mocked by a strand of gray hair that I inherited by genetics and that I have gone over hiding with a dye.

Everything happens so fast that we don't stop to observe the joy we have of getting older.
Today my mom wanted to visit my brother's house, in Granma, a little distant from where we live, although she no longer wanders as before, she knows the house where she lives with me now and moves at will, that is to say that I felt deceived or I wanted to get dragged and I was not reading the small letters.

My mom is becoming an extremely dependent person, I noticed her helpless today. Half her steps, she walked uncertainly and her eyes seemed to see into the void. She doesn't see anything and I thought yes, it's just that his phone is known to him and since he calls few people, he has them on speed dial and she's adept at that.
All those conclusions that were in my opinion hasty crowding my mind I made in seconds, while I said "Mommy take care and behave yourself" with a lump in my throat.

I cried, it was not guilt, no regrets, I didn't even plan it, I didn't hold back the tears, she is really old and she doesn't want to give up, she grabs the reins and there is no one to open her hands to snatch them, she decided to put the fight against everyone and win it.
I feel like I'm exaggerating but as the bus was driving away I felt something coming off my chest. Although I am younger, I already comb gray hair, 50 years is half a century, I look at my mom and I see myself growing old with her.

I would like to be that safe harbor where she still finds hope, to be her comfort when she feels that her strength is failing. To share that territory that we promised one day, she when she cooed at me in her arms and I when I hold her by the arm and patiently guide her so that she doesn't stumble.

In the end when the candles go out the only thing we have left is the love we knew how to hold.