Confession: I'm an Addict

Good morning/evening my friends!

I think I'd feel much better if I just get it off my chest.
I'm an addict, for almost 3 years now I think. So, here's the thing:

(Mentioned before in a previous post)
I've been dealing with severe Anxiety & Depression for the same period (~3 years)

Anyways, too much details wouldn't matter. Short version of my story:
3 years ago before I had my first panic attack, I was outside, my folks took me to the hospital. They tried to calm me down, then they decided to treat me with sedatives until I went to "Another place" or whatever lol 💤 🌚

I woke up the next day in my room, I was okay. Not feeling anxious or anything like that.
(Mhm... It's okay then, it won't happen again, maybe I was just tired last night) I said to myself. But, no, all of a sudden I was panicking again for no reason, couldn't even catch my breath, I was sure I was going to die (You know that feeling if you have Anxiety)

And that's the day when my life went upside down. 13 doctors, new one every month, they all used to tell me the same fucking stuff. At that time I was almost sure there's no cure to what's happening to me. However, one of them gave me a certain sedative (They all did though) But, this one was different. It stuck with me, it started with a little pill then the dose kept getting higher and higher. I was high on it all the time (Honestly I'm right now)

I took Xanax and a bunch of other meds I don't remember the names. It's like I was living in a pharmacy, I felt like a zombie all the time 🙎

So, the last doctor, the one who made me gave up on medications and mental health treatments. I went to see him not to treat my Anxiety, but my addiction. We Talked for 1~2 hours, he was trying to convince me that I'm not an addict (Actually, I'm not sure If I am)

So, he gave me more medications and even more sedatives. I was like Yaaay! I'm gonna be zombified even more! 🙆 Nah, fuck that. I didn't wanna stay this way my whole life!

Now, after I decided to leave all that and treat my mental issues by myself. I actually started to feel better and better by time. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not saying that you should not seek help if you have mental issues, and I'm also not saying that I'm okay now and my Anxiety is gone, no, I'm still sick, and I'd like to believe I'm getting better. But, the one thing that might be worse than my Anxiety is my addiction. Still stuck with these damn pills. I just don't know why I can't stop, I mean, I tried to stop and I did multiple times but, I always crawl back to it. It's not the withdrawal symptoms, not my Anxiety or Depression. It's something that I can't really describe in words but I'll try, let me put it this way, ~3 years ago before I had my first Panic Attack, I was a completely different person, a better person, I wanna be that person again, these pills are the only way that makes me go back to that again. I don't know if you know what I mean?

Maybe I'm an addict, I mean, yea sure I'm addicted to these pills but, I don't have addiction behaviors as that one doctor stated, so, maybe I'm not.

I just wanna stop. I tried and I'm still trying, I have hope that one day I will be able too. I don't think It'll be soon though as I'm at my worst these days.

That's enough for me, just wanna share something I made a long time ago, it's a soundtrack that I produced to explain my feelings through it. It's pretty basic and not that good, I can do better stuff now but, I still love it and I'd like to know what you think of it?

The Non Sleeper (7th Cup of Coffee)
It was distributed in 2019 and here's a link: