The only thing I could whisper was "everything happened so fast like a whirlwind." Maybe I should have taken things slow, but then my head was flooded with the thoughts of you that I couldn't think straight. I know love was supposed to make you feel secure and sane about yourself, but yours makes me feel insecure, yet I found myself drowning in that insecurity.
Often you would share different stories from your past that would make my heart ache, but then I didn't bother because the present moment I have with you is all I care about. Whenever we talk on the phone, I feel safe and comfortable that I can share anything with you. Still, something inside of me keeps telling me to hold back my feelings, maybe because I was sure enough of what I wanted, or what if I was sure enough, but you, on the other hand, weren't certain about what you wanted," and that hurts my heart.
I still remember the first day you texted me on the phone, "that first hello that brightened my mood like a child who was being promised the world". You said you saw me the previous day at the wedding, that you wanted to reach out, but you couldn't because I was carried away with the conversations I was having with my friends.
I tried very hard to recall if I actually saw you that day, but it was blur maybe I was too caught up in my own world with my friends that I didn't notice you were standing right in front of me.
The next day came, and your text popped up on my phone. Seeing a strange contact, I didn't want to reply, but the good girl inside of me said, "reply to that text," then I did, and that was the beginning of everything.
You became a part of my life in the shortest of time and made life a lot easier, you came and showed me how love can be sometimes. How can someone actually fall in love without noticing the time factor attached to it? I've always believed in knowing someone for the longest of time before catching a feeling for them but then yours was different.
After some months of knowing you, I wanted more, "maybe I was being too forward," but then that was what my heart yearned for at that moment. I wanted all of you for myself. I could see myself craving you like a newly baked bread, your presence was what I wanted to feel every moment of my life. I could say my world started revolving around you, and you could feel it when you told me.
"Cynthia, I know you like me a lot." Ooh, wow, you know, I would respond inside of me without uttering any word.
You know, then, why are you holding back? I asked with curiosity.
Holding back what? Thompson asked
Ooh now you wanna act like you don't know what I want "I said to myself"
"So what are your intentions towards me?" I continued.
"I can't tell for now," Thompson said
These words struck me "like you can't tell." I mean, everyone should know what they want from the moment they meet someone, and why is yours different? I decided to keep my cool and let things be, as weeks turn to months all I can see is uncertainty.
Every time I come up with the question of your intentions towards me, the responses I get are still the same "the same uncertainty" and this time around you went further into saying "I am one of the people you are considering"Those words cut deep into my soul like I'm just an option to you.
Whenever I try to talk about the uncertainty you are having, you will use your nice and sweet words to cut it off and keep me from leaving, as I've always planned. Every day that passes by, I ask myself this: "What is the essence of hanging around him when he isn't certain about what he wants?"
I love it when a man knows what he wants and goes for it, but then yours is making me feel like I'm the desperado. "I deserve better than to be someone's maybe." I deserve to be someone's certainty. I can't be here and have you make a choice between me and someone else knowing very well that the odds are slightly thin on my end.
My mind flooded with thoughts, I called.
"Hey! How are you doing?" Thompson said fondly like he normally does.
"I'm good. I want to tell you something," I responded. I think we should stop talking. I've made my intentions known to you that I really want you, and you aren't reciprocating. I continued, "I can't be here waiting patiently for certainty when you have your eyes elsewhere as well. This is me saying goodbye".
Closing this chapter of my life wasn't an easy one to make, but it's for the best. Maybe he wasn't mine from the beginning, but I'm super grateful for the times we shared, for the few memories we made, for the love I felt, and the lessons learnt.
Thanks for reading 🧡
