I can't remember the last time I cried. I cried a few weeks ago but it was just a few tears and me telling myself immediately to stop acting like a little bitch and just get back into my reality. But I don't have that energy tonight.
I've spent the last half hour crying while hugging my pillow and the more I get asked if I'm alright, the more the tears keep coming. No, I'm not alright.
It started with me going through my pictures and seeing images of my nephews. Their parents hate me and I'll never understand why so I may never get to be a part of their lives anymore.
They'll grow to hate me and never get to know me or experience the kind of love I would have shown them. They'll only get the impression of their aunt who never came around or saw them while they grew. Heaven knows I tried to be a part of their lives. But that's not the story they'll hear.
Then I got to my sister's pictures. And well she just woke up one morning and realized I wasn't worth her time or presence. So I guess I've lost my only sister too.
These aren't recent events. But when they happened I just let them go and get moving forward telling myself that I'll be okay without them and I will but I would also love to be okay with them.
I tell myself every day that I'm okay only loving 3 out of my 7 siblings but I'm not okay. I want all of them. They're not dead, so why can't they just love me while we're all not dead???
I feel so sad and so alone. I've gotten so comfortable with this persona of a "Strong lady" who can be fine alone but I can't. I'm not fine. I want my family back. I just want that peace and comfort again.
Why do life and love have to be so complicated? Why can't the people I love just love me back in the same measure?
I've tried some personal therapy. I've talked myself out of so much and tried to push myself to uphold this kind of happiness where I focus on the surface but once I look deeper the pain is there. No matter how hard I try to ignore it it's still there.
I feel so much pain. It's emotional but my God it weakens me physically.
Why can't I just have some stability? Even if it's for a day. A day where everything is okay. Where can think deep and not feel hurt by any single thought that comes my way?
I know I'll be fine. I'll wipe these tears, pick myself up in the morning and have an amazing day. I'll move on until I can't anymore and then I'll cry again and the cycle will continue while I gather more pain and just keep moving.
I'm not alone. I know. I can't bother anyone with these issues because they're mine and everyone has theirs. I just wish we could all get some closure.