The past 6 months have been about repetition. Wake up in the morning. Speed to work, running late as usual.
Go through my work day half-assing everything and watching the clock the entire day. Then its finally time to leave, sadly 4 hours can be hard in my field. The pay is good, if I don't fuck myself out of my commission.
I seem to be spiraling downwards. I seem to be losing my footing. I'm slipping.
This constant repetition taking its toll. As I go further and further into adulthood, my home life is suffering as well. I'm fine on the surface. I'm still going through those motions. I still show up. I haven't checked out yet, but I am losing that happy kid inside. The me that has always been there. I look into the mirror and don't recognise the person on the other side.
My relationship of two years is starting to have more downs, when it used to be a steady uphill. In a good way.
Now a roller coaster shooting down at uncontrollable speeds. A scary experience, even with a safety harness. Always wishing that I was better or that I could cope with these things better.
The bills continue to come in and go up. My paychecks on the other hand, another downwards roller coaster.
Car troubles and laziness only adding to my dysfunctional work ethic. I mean.. I try to try, most of the time. Sometimes life just doesn't let you up after it kicks you in the gut. What are you gonna do..? Shit happens, right? How much shit can one person take?
I don't know the answers, and It is becoming increasingly difficult to make it by, but I'm not giving up just yet. I'm still kicking. I need to overcome this. I need to overcome my own mindset. If not me, then who? I've started taking those steps to better myself and hopefully all other aspects of life will fall into place. I'm putting in more hours at work, full-assing the work that I do as well. I've put myself back onto a semi-regular stream schedule on twitch to bring special aspect of life back. !
And why do I make the changes? Why am I making them before eviction, rather than after? Why am I making these changes at 20 rather than in my 30's? What is the crucible driving me to try to better myself? It's the same force that tries to bring me down. The same force that tries to keep me down. It's the stress. I can't take it. I'm fighting it. I won't give in. If you can relate, and you have these feelings.. If it is overwhelming you too. I have 2 words for you. Fuck Stress. Don't give in. Fight it with all that you have.
