Lately I've been thinking about what to post next. This seems to be a common post of mine lately. The problem is that I just don't go out much. I don't interact with people like I used to. Saturday was the last time I went out and interacted with strangers and that was awkward. In my youth, nobody could keep me home long enough to really be family. I was always out and about running, jogging, skipping, bicycling, swimming, partying and so on. That all changed when I got married. That all changed when my back became messed up permanently.
Now I am more of a recluse, preferring to stay home, inside my own little world. The most interacting I do is online now. I make my own rules here. This is my safe space, my castle. If you've seen the animated version of Beauty and the Beast, think of me in the Beast's role. I certainly didn't plan things this way, it just sort of happened over time. I had plans and then they all got blown to smithereens. I didn't have a plan B.
I had loads of friends, until I got married. Then they all seemed to move away and do their own things. I found solace in my wife and children. Instead of going out to find a good time, I could stay home and have that with these people. I made my own best friends, but now they are going off and doing their own things, leaving me and my wife. She works a lot, which then leaves me with me..and the dog. He isn't a great conversationalist, he is expressive, but he doesn't say a whole lot.
I always have the option to go out and interact with people, but I don't do it. I've been heartbroken by so many people for so long over silly little things that I'm in that "Once bitten, twice shy" situation. I used to enjoy deep, meaningful conversations with my friends and sometimes I long for that, but it's hard for me to get back there to that enjoyment in my head because I'm thinking "how will this end? What will I do, accidentally, that'll piss these people off? How will I be heartbroken this time?" It's easier for me to just not interact with anyone anymore and save myself the heartache. Having been in that particular situation for so long, shut-in away from people, I've lost something vital in me. I recognized that Saturday night.
I interact with people cordially enough. I'm..pleasant and polite, but more quiet and reserved. It's difficult to just be myself anymore outside my own home. Why? Because I've become reclusive, aloof, wary. My last "friendship" ended poorly and that tore me up for a couple of years. So I just don't try anymore. I used to go out and intentionally try to meet someone new at least twice a week and hang out, be friends, and interact on a deep level. Not anymore. Now I do all my interacting online, where I am in my safe space and can really take my time thinking about what to say next, but even that doesn't always work out.
This is all kind of a free flowing thought process right now.
I do get cabin fever and I get out every once in a while. Lol, when I went out on Saturday, things had drastically changed. I had not been to certain areas in a long time, but we had business to attend to and that took us, me and my wife, to Irving,
Texas. I studiously avoid going that way. The traffic makes me anxious and stresses me out. That and the traffic patterns have changed a lot in the last ten years.
People drive insanely now. It used to be that people would give each other room. There would be a couple of car lengths between us and the guy up ahead. Now everyone is jockeying for position and riding each other's tail pipes/bumpers. All it would take for an accident would be for one person to slam on their brakes for a pile up. The road authority completely changed the traffic patterns and placed a bunch of toll roads where they should've widened the highways. Two lanes going east and two going west, with a brand new toll road in between. It's harrowing to drive the free roads. Nobody wants to drive on the toll roads. So, in essence, they messed up traffic even worse than it had ever been before.
This is just another reason I don't get out much anymore. The traffic is awful and reminiscent of California, Dallas, and the northeast. It wasn't always like that. We used to have wide open spaces and safe drivers, now it's like a Grand Prix out there. Even the back roads are dangerous at certain times. I won't get in the car and go anywhere during the hours of 7-9am, 12-1pm, 3-6pm, because of people going to work, getting lunch, and going home. When I go shopping, which is rare these days, I go after midnight. Nobody is out on the roads then.
I used to try to make time for my neighbors, until we had a miscommunication, misunderstanding. That didn't go well. Now I just want to move further out into the desolation of the countryside, away from people. Unfortunately I can't afford to move anytime soon. So I stay here, in my safe space and play on the internet, watch Netflix and spend time with my family.
Much love and light,
X
