Confessions. Confusions.

Life is a bitch, so learn how to fuck it.

Warning, more profanity ahead...

I'm not really sure where this quote came from but I'm pretty sure everyone who has dealt with some serious shit in their life can attest to this.

They say learn how to fuck life but in my case? It seems that life has fucked me up over and over again. Countless occassions I can barely recall them all.

What I am about to share here on my post is a very sensitive topic for me because it involves my dark personality. The other me, my alter ego. You know when you have that part of your personality that isn't really something you share or talk about with people very often?

But I decided to write it down because it helps. Yes I literally wrote it down. Pen and paper is like my therapy. I haven't really gone to a psychologist/psychiatrist. I have some issues that I don't really understand and I have no idea how to deal with it. So I resort to figuring a way out of it or at the very least, distract myself from it for just a little while.

I have decided not to encode the notes I wrote for reasons that I am more comfortable in having it hand-written instead of being digitalized. And because it is a sensitive topic for me. Sensitive, but not confidential. Also, I am hoping that someone from this community might be able to give me some advices on my issues.

In my misery of having identity crisis whilst trying to put up a good face, I wrote down the things that are wrong with me. Thus, the title.

Outgoing, ecstatic, jolly, high-spirited and hype. That's how most people see me as I only let them see the surface. And of course, your depth is seen by those who are closest to your heart and soul.

Just like when you look at my notebook, it's shiny, glittery and quite fabulous looking on it's cover. But what is the content?

On the first page, I wrote two things, my constant fear of my mistakes in the past and how I relive those moments everytime I remember them. And another is how my insecurity works and how I have been struggling to fight it all through my life. I think everyone has gone through the same spot I am in right now. If they got out of it, that's good. But for those like me who are stuck in this limbo, it's hard to get out and you don't really know how.

Second page, my endless suspicion that I might have ADHD. I'm not trying to derogate the seriousness of the illness. These days, that has been kinda of a thing. But I am not. And much to my willingness to dismiss the topic, I can't deny it because I see it. And we are talking about mental health issues which is something not to be taken lightly.

Anxiety. A recurring issue along with the arguments of how it affects it's victim. It really is fucked up to be dealing with anxiety. It's not like you have a switch on you brain and you could just tell it to stop when you want to. It's just there, ready to swallow you whole anytime.

When you suffer from the dilemma of anxiety, let's make it worse. Overthinking comes with the package. I mean, it's not enough that you already suffer from panick attacks and extreme fear, isn't it? Let's add the cherry on top. Overthinking is a noxious disorder. It can cause you to do things that lead to complete regret.

I guess this is a creepy way to illustrate how my mind operates when I am on the down side of my personality. And giving the #untalented tag a different definition, of course in no offense to

@surpassinggoogle

I'm not really sure whether to post this or not but once, I asked my friend @maverickinvictus of how can I, in some way, deal with my issues and he gave me a hortative that I should definitely condone blogging about such, here in this platform. And so I did.

I am hoping this post could raise awareness in reinforcing kindness to anyone, everywhere. For every person is fighting their own battles and you may not know it but a little kindness could inspire and save someone's life.