I'm sorry Money,
I'm sorry for doing things that are counter to what you may want me to be doing. I don't know what I'm saying, I'm just spitballing though and seeing what comes of it. I just feel like I am just doing jobs just to earn you. I don't take the time to consider interesting ways to earn you in ways that feel good, creative, push or challenge me, etc. It is like I am just working to earn a paycheck. I am earning a paycheck to help me pay my bills, but I'm not even always good at that.
I would just like to have an honest conversation with you Money and just say that I am sorry and want to do better. I know it's up to me to change our relationship, and I want to do that. In some ways I feel conflicted—like I like earning you. I like earning you once a week. I like you Money. I like having you. I like seeing you in my bank and crypto accounts. I like holding you. I like spending you. I like earning you. The rub is where I am earning you in ways that feel like a grind. I think a part of me is upset about it is because I know I can do a lot better. It feels weird because it is like I planted my consciousness here. It feels like something I need to "achieve" in order to go past. I think a big part of it is just believing in myself.
They say a job doesn't define you, but I would like to have something closer to home. Even if it starts with me trying on new things as experiments, just to see how things feel. But the thing is, Money, is that where are my opportunities? Can you show me what opportunties I am missing? Can you show me what I'm not seeing? Thank you Money.
Another thing with jobs is the way they feel on the inside, the qualia. I know I'm not cut out for every job. I just want to be doing what I'd to be doing. Or getting clear on that. Some ideas that come to mind are writing and video. Comedy too. I think I ought to just experiment with things. I can start small so that I don't get overwhelmed. And it's also like, I don't know what I don't know. Like I don't really have a good grasp on what I like and don't like.
x3g
