Let's just say that sometimes I have difficulty eating. I used to love food, sometimes I still love food. It's just difficult to keep down during certain anxiety producing moments.
It all started when I was four years old. I remember standing in the kitchen at my Grandmother's house and I asked for another cookie. My stepdad put his hand on my stomach and sternly said "No, I don't want you to get fat."
This is my earliest memory.
I helped design those Christmas cookies and I wanted another one, but I also did not want to get fat.
He put me in soccer when I was eight to keep me thin, but the comments never stopped.
He trained my brothers to call me Okebono, a famous sumo wrestler. Anytime we got into an elevator that paused for a second, they all glanced my way. I was an elephant, a hippo. I believed their lies.
I remained lanky and malnourished throughout high school. In fact, I was so 'athletic' that I didn't even start puberty until I was seventeen. Is that normal? Well, I was afraid to eat. But this is when I grew hips and little flapjack tatas. I was so awkward with my new shape that I would constantly run my hip bones into doorknobs and corners. Strange and hard to imagine, but I was always rushing around back then.
I became super self conscious and stopped eating meat for three years. This helped me control my weight a bit, but I also learned a few rules from Anamia websites. They were all the rage when I was twenty one, but they have all since been removed.
Becoming obsessed with these websites enabled me to master the art of anorexia. Or so I thought.
I remember one day, my step dad called me sexy. I hadn't eaten in three days. What is wrong with this man? You will soon put the pieces together. He likes them young looking, you see. Mother is seven years younger than him with plastic surgery to boot.
The main problem I have with stifled eating is that your intestines only empty themselves one third at a time. So if you don't eat, you don't poop. Until you poop and there's pain and blood and ... ouch. I have seriously had to digitally remove that shit. It's awful and humiliating, but I am sharing this with you anyway. Ever apply tooth numbing gel to your butt? It helps.
On that note. Eat good and don't worry that your shape is not what you want it to be at this moment.
Please never take the route I took, because although I wish I could eat now, my appetite is often hard to find.
Love yourself. You are beautiful. And nourish yourself with good food. Be confident and let others love you.
Thanks for reading along,
x1018
After all, a moment on the lips is (not) forever on the hips.
