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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answer: To hurt me.
Once upon a day; several years ago,
A young boy was walking down the road, with a bounce in his step and a lollipop in his mouth.
It was me. I was that young boy.
It was a particularly hot day so I decided to get a bottle of cold water.
After my purchase, I continued on my merry way.
Then suddenly, something caught my eye. It was a hen – more specifically – a mother hen, and her chicks surrounded her.
Now, I don’t know what got into me. It might’ve been the hubris of youth, or maybe it was an evil spirit. Either way, a wicked idea popped into my mind.
It was a hot day, so why don’t I help these chickens… cool down.
I snickered to myself as I inched closer to the mother hen and her chicks. A sinister grin settled on my lips as I raised the bottle filled with freezing water.
SPLASH!
The mother hen and her chicks jumped and flailed wildly as the cold water made contact.
I laughed at their display, their clucks of pain was music to my ears.
Chickens wet, I laughed, objective achieved.
I was about to walk away when suddenly I heard a weird sound. It was like a mix between a squawk and a growl.
I turned back and there it was. The mother hen just stood there, staring at me with blood red eyes. That made me uncomfortable.
I stomped my foot in an effort to chase her away, but she just stood there, staring into my soul.
Okay, I was starting to get scared. I decided to get the heck outta there. Immediately I took a step, I heard that weird sound again. This time when I looked back, I was terrified.
The mother hen seemed twice as bigger, her black feathers were all standing and her wings were raised. It looked like a demon from hell.
My heart started beating faster than the beats of a 70s rap song, and my hands were shaking as if I just drank a cup of tea with cocaine instead of sugar.
Those red eyes wouldn’t come off me. It was as if the hen was daring me to take another step.
My heart told me to move, but my brain told me to stay still.
I should’ve listened to my brain.
Immediately my foot touched the ground, the chicken launched at me.
I screamed and started running as fast as my little legs could carry me.
This chicken chased me as if she was trying to avenge her brethren that I had eaten over the years.
I weaved and turned but this psychopathic bird would just not leave me alone. It was at that moment I understood why chickens were direct descendants of the T-rex.
Every time the hen gained on me, my life flashed before my eyes. (it was a short flash because I was only 9 years old). I was so lucky that this bird of terror couldn’t fly. It would have been over for me.
After a while of running and screaming, my legs started to feel tired and I was running out of breath. It felt like this was the end. Death by chicken, my favorite meat source… how poetic.
Was this what Mufasa meant by the circle of life…
I was ready to accept my fate when a glimmer of hope shone before my eyes. It was the gate of my house. Never had I thought I would be so happy to see a metal door.
I was suddenly filled with new energy and I picked up speed. I burst through the gate and slammed it shut before the hen could get me.
I was safe.
The chicken pecked at the gate and squawked for several minutes before it left.
So there I was, on the floor, panting heavily after narrowly escaping death.
It was then I realized I still had the unfortunate water bottle in my hand, I threw it angrily on the ground, then after a few minutes, I picked it up and threw it angrily in the trash because littering is bad. (seriously guys, don’t litter.)
I was tempted to go outside and check for the chicken but common sense said no, so I went inside where it was free of vicious deadly birds.
As I ruminated about my actions on the couch, I accepted that what I did was wrong. I was determined to atone for my actions by taking a vow never to eat chicken again.
Yea, that lasted about an hour at most. (sure, I almost died, but come on… it’s chicken)
But even though the vow didn’t last, one thing surely will…
The memory of the chicken that almost killed me.
Thank you for reading.
Stay buzzing,
Maximus✍🏾
