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So the new Ariel movie just came out or should I say the new old Ariel movie.
It was basically the same thing as the old cartoon except 27 times more boring. But apart from that, there weren't much changes. It was the same story, the same characters, the same villain... blah blah
The movie had a 200 million dollar budget and it was somehow worse than a cartoon made in 1989.
As an avid Disney animation fan, this movie left a sour taste in my mouth.
In fact, I was hoping this movie's Ariel would get eaten by a shark or something.
At least that would've made it interesting.
But no, she got her happy ending, just like the cartoon. Just like all of Disney's cartoons.
all of Disney's cartoons have happy endings... or so I thought.
It was one fateful day when my eyes were opened.
I was surfing the internet as most jobless people do, then I stumbled upon an article.
The title was something along the lines of "The origins of Disney fairy tales."
It sounded interesting so I swooped in to read.
I shouldn't have swooped mehn cuz damn,
what I read destroyed every bit of child innocence left in me.
So as the benevolent blogger I am, I have decided to also ruin your Innocence by revealing to you the true stories of these fairy tales.
Some of these stories are horrific, terrible and atrocious. Disney really toned them down so if you're reading this, prepare to be shocked.
Although some of you will probably be okay after reading this because y'all are twisted.
Let's begin!
We all know the Disney version.
Girl is a teenage mermaid, she's best friends with a fish and a Jamaican crab and she's incredibly curious.
One day, this lady was exploring the surface of the ocean and she saw a very fine boy... Prince Eric.
After that day, she couldn't get the guy out of her mind (simp).
So she kept on going to check on the fine boy, kept on simping.
Then one day the prince's ship crashed and she used that opportunity to save him and stare very well.
After that day she couldn't take it anymore, she was already in love,
So she went to the sea witch and asked her to give her legs because obviously the prince won't want to be involved with a fish.
The witch gave her legs but at the cost of her beautiful voice and the condition that the prince will have to fall in love with her within 3 days (when it's not Romeo and Juliet) or her soul will be claimed.
Long story short, she went up as a human that couldn't talk, somehow got the simp prince to fall in love and defeated the sea witch and they lived happily ever after.
And now for the real version
Everything happened basically the same way until the witch part.
In the original version, the witch took away Ariel's voice and gave her legs.. yes.
But the condition was that she'd feel like her feet was being pierced by knives every time she took a step.
damn.
What made it even worse is that the prince didn't even like her back and she married another woman.
In a fit of despair, she tried to kill the prince but she changed her mind at the last moment and committed suicide by throwing herself into the sea and turning into seafoam.
okay
that's as far from the original story as you can get.
shit went dark really quick.
We all know the story of snow white,
A very beautiful princess was born. apparently what made her beautiful was her zkin as white as snow and her lips as red as a rose (sounds like someone with anemia to me).
Anyhoo, there was a woman who was also a witch. She got married to snow white's dad after the death of the queen.
So this witch woman had a magic mirror that reassures her she's the finest in the kingdom (Low self-esteem)
But one day, the mirror told her that there's a new girl in town... snow white.
This infuriated the queen. she was jealous of her stepdaughter and she sent a huntsman to murder her.
But this dude's heart instantly went soft as she saw the cute princess (simp).
So he let her go but told her never to come back to the kingdom.
So snow white wandered the forest until she took refuge in a cottage owned by dwarves. They took care of her and kept her safe.
But the queen found out snow white was alive and was pissed.
So she disguised as an old helpless woman and tricked snow white into eating a poisoned apple which would make snow white sleep forever unless she gets a true love kiss. (Yeah, because true love is CPR.)
Now I don't know why the queen couldn't just give her a regular poisoned apple without terms and conditions but we move.
Long story short, a prince was wandering through the forest, he saw the beautiful snow white asleep, somehow fell in love right there, kissed her and she woke up.
Then he took her to his castle and they lived happily ever after.
Even as a kid, this movie was very weird to me, but I could still deal with it.
The original, not so much.
In the original, the queen was actually a witch and she ate the hearts of young beautiful women to stay immortal.
???
Already freaky.
So in the original, she was also jealous of snow white and she sent the huntsman to get her heart and liver so that she can eat them and be immortal.
But in this one too, the huntsman refused, although he was killed when the queen found out.
The ending went basically the same except the prince didn't kiss her this time (Thank God)
He instead carried her body to his kingdom to see if he can treat her but he tripped and the apple that she ate flew out of her throat (yup, cocaine was definitely involved in the making of this story.)
Anywho, she woke up and the prince took her to his kingdom for them to get married and live happily ever after.
But the wicked queen wasn't going to agree.
She tried to kill snow white one more time, but the prince caught her and forced her to dance on hot coals till she died.
Damn.
When people say "the dance floor is lit"
This is actually what they meant.
Most of the fairy tales Disney made came from The brothers Grimm so if you're insane enough to be interested in learning the true origins of other stories, you can check them out.
These dudes wrote some of the most twisted shit you'll ever read and since Disney didn't wanna traumatize children so they filtered it.
From Cinderella to Rapunzel to sleeping beauty, the amount of people that died would put Thanos to shame.
Anyways, enjoy.
I'm going to go cleanse myself of these dark stories by watching Dora the explorer.
Thank you for reading.
Stay buzzing,
Maximus.
