When I was first introduced to self-forgiveness it was described to me as a point of "self-responsibility". I had no idea what self-responsibility meant. All I knew with regards to "responsibility" was that it was something I was basically aiming to avoid at all costs.
I had defined "responsibility" as extra work. From my perspective, I just wanted to have free time to do as I choose and be able to do mostly whatever I want. I had actually made a point of staying away from responsibility of ant kind. I saw responsibility as a sort of trap. Like if i wasn't careful in being accountable and specific with my decisions I would wind up stuck in a situation where I created relationships of dependence in which i would have to be responsible and accountable to others in various ways and thus kind of stuck. In looking closer at "responsibility" I had never really gone into the depths of the word "responsibility" - the ability to respond - creating the structure for my life. Thus self-responsibility emerged as a point of "taking" the time to create my life.
Self-forgiveness inadvertently opened up the question in me as, "what does it mean to live the word responsibility?"
From here, more questioning emerged. Forgiveness...specifically self-forgiveness - "What's the point?" Isn't forgiveness only something I ask for and am granted from somebody else? Like I got to ask somebody else for forgiveness. I asked myself, "How is forgiveness legitimate if I can just give it to myself?" This was an interesting point for me because it opened up questioning in me into the nature of my acceptances and allowances.
"How do I practicality do self-forgiveness?"
I realized that I was abdicating to an extent my own autonomy from the perspective that forgiveness basically only existed as a point of another be required to grant me permission to let go of a point and that it's OK. My definition and understanding of was of kind of a warped religion in a way. Basically forgiveness only existed in me as this point of acknowledgement that I fucked up in relation to somebody else and that I feel bad about it...so I share that I feel bad about a situation as how I acted and behaved..and that I am sorry...and that I would feel better if I could have another say, "it's OK, I forgive you" - and, the other being basically saying, "thank you for asking me for forgiveness...yes I will give it to you - you were wrong...and again I thank you for acknowledging the error in your ways".
Can I really in fact take responsibility for myself and my behavior by forgiving myself when I recognize a point in mind that is not cool? Isn't this like cheating or too easy? I mean from my perspective at the time it's like I was conditioned into a point of subservience as a basic tenet of social etiquette.
This is where self-forgiveness first emerged. I said:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I must ask somebody else for forgiveness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing that I can take responsibility for my life by forgiving myself when and as I recognize and realize I've accepted and allowed something within myself that isn't cool.
From Here, this opened up the beginning of an incredible process.
If you are not familiar with self-forgiveness - give it a go - you might just be pleasantly surprised at how awesome it is to take responsibility for your thoughts, words and deeds.
I soon realized that the law of my being is who I am in thought, word and deed.
I am the author of my life.
Self-forgiveness becomes a point of common sense. Which increasingly becomes a sort of momentary funny thing as I come to my senses when and as i take responsibility for my mistakes.
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