There's not much to read here. I just want to write something to ease the pain I'm feeling now. I think writing helps. Well, I hope it does.
I've been silent the past few days. My mind's elsewhere and probably scattered all over the place. I probably look happy and contented to other people but deep inside I'm hurting. I don't usually show my feelings to other people, even to my partner. It's not that I don't trust him or whatever, sometimes it's just hard to voice out my feelings and what hurt me.
I'm in a bad situation but I only realized it's this bad last week. Worse even. Still, life goes on. People have bad and good days, right? I hate to admit but mine's been bad for a while.
I'm trying to stay alive.. and still be happy with the things I'm blessed with.
Suicidal thoughts come once in a while, but I am fighting them. I hate to tell but I'm also weak and these have crossed my mind. Don't worry, I am not the type to do that. I think that's not the best solution to any problem. And that's not the best way to win this game. Aha, game of life.
One night, I just decided to battle these problems and come up with solutions. I brainstormed and made notes on what to do and how to solve this big problem. I want to put them into action, but in this state, it's taking forever to move and do something.
I guess this is what they call depression..
Or am I really depressed?
Because I am hurting, I realized my body starts to follow too. I caught myself sometimes just staring blankly at nothing. I had new storages and was thrilled to make use of them but I couldn't organize the stuff at home. Where's the urge to do something? The house is a mess but not too much. I still do my daily chores but oftentimes, I neglect some of them. I want to learn something but the excitement and enthusiasm are nowhere to be found. If you could get money for every sigh, I guess I'm a bit wealthy by now.
I'm probably in something in between..
This journey is long and dark. I just want to see the light at the end of the tunnel.. I probably need to go out and walk and breathe fresh air. Maybe that will help ease the pain in my heart.
I guess this is a complaint and a letter to myself. I hope in the future when I read this post, my situation will be better.. Even yet, I hope it will be better soonest. Hopefully, next month everything's different. I guess I'm still hopeful for things to be better right away even when I know it's just wishful thinking.
