Today the vibes will not be as lazy as they are on an average Sunday morning.
Today I will have to bend the rules a little to get this story out.
But at least it will not be a shit-post like last week.
I was doing so well, walking the straight line following the STV rules, so why will I bend them today?
Because I got choked, choked by a song that hit me where it hurt most. Now I am known for my ability to cry when I see a very sad movie or hear a very sad song.
This time it was different, I got a tear but it was the lack of oxygen while listening that really made me go Fuck this hurts.
If you have read some of my personal stories, you know that I have encountered many mental conditions throughout my life. From borderline to multiple personalities. That my ex scored just a few points below being a narcissist.
And of course, that I have wondered for years if I might have something within the autistic spectrum or be a narcissist or maybe even a sociopath.
All those questions and doubts have made me feel insecure about who or what I really was, especially later in life. But I was lucky, I was able to deal with it, while many are not that fortunate.
It was not just me, it might be normal or purely a coincidence but I had more than a handful of girlfriends with scars on their arms that represented the wounds on their souls.
Yes, I had quite a few girlfriends but even then this means that there are so many people struggling. Often too insecure to call out for help. And nobody notices, nobody is close enough to see those scars they hide so well.
And it´s not getting any better with this new generation, instead, they say it´s getting worse. Which makes sense if I just see what they are exposed to nowadays.
The thing is that very few people are allowed to get close enough to possibly see the symptoms, and parents especially are kept in the dark. Parents keep themselves in the dark, they are in denial, working hard and having their own struggles.
They give their kids everything they can, so in their little world, there is no reason to assume that they are unhappy on the inside, because on the outside they have everything.
Now even though I struggled, my mind was not as dark as some and as you know I like it darker. Guess I did not talk about it with anyone, but I have been dealing with it, reading about it, and writing about it.
Before dealing with it I smoked the pain away for years, allowing me to keep going. My pain and darkness probably were nothing compared to fucked up start so many have in this world.
Many who just like me do not talk, are not pushed to open up but push back till they break.
With some I got close enough to see their scars, I pushed them to open up and most of them did. Over time the scars faded the need to hurt diminished because they finally could voice out. There was no longer the need to keep it all buried deep within.
All that is needed is that little push, that little bit of trust, the confidence to know someone will actually listen and not discard the things they say.
I said most of them, not all of them. Some of them still struggle and have a hard time dealing with being bipolar and whatever else the diagnosis said.
One of them decided long ago that she did not want to grow old carrying this pain, she on the other hand did not open up.... She could have, but our time together might have been too brief.
Still, most of them dealt with it, and although we all carry our past with us till our dying breath the scars on their arms have faded completely over the years.
Scars on the outside mean wounds on the inside, we all wear our scars our way. There is nobody without them, but there are plenty of people out their too afraid to show them.
While showing them, acknowledging is your best way forward.
Let´s get to the point that made me choke, the song that brought back so many memories and triggered this post.
Playing by the #STV rules this song I found in this post:
Providential - A true story you wouldn´t believe - Chapter 50
Which is my own post, so that is where I needed to bend the rules a little. Because I think this song deserved a stage all by itself.
Now there is one more rule I will comply with and that is to invite all of you that read this post to share your story, your pain, and your songs. Acknowledging and opening up will allow the wounds to heal.
Hidden wounds will start festering, which will cause a horrible smell at first, and more pain later. It probably will lead you down a road you will not recover from.
Just like a very sweet young girl, very long ago. I only met her a couple of times. She was the sister of a friend of mine, she decided that this life was not for her and this song played when her coffin disappeared.
The mind is dangerous unless you chose to be free.
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