This topic has fascinated me for a long time, and I figured I should talk about this a bit today.
In life, especially if you are a bookworm like me, you sometimes come across a piece of writing that hits you in a place you least expect it to hit. I've had that kind of experience once or twice, and what I'm going to be typing away about today is related to just that.
A few years ago, I stumbled upon a piece with a protagonist who went missing on purpose.
Even though sounding bland and bleak, the whole plot took me on such a wild ride that I had to stop reading several times just to tell myself to "get a hold of yourself you fucking idiot, what's wrong with you?!"
The story had such a grip on me that I had been left feeling haunted for several weeks, rummaging through articles and research reports. But back then, I never quite understood why it had gotten to me as much as it did.
Fast forward to now, I found myself back again at the same doorstep. But this time, my brain finally understood why the whole thing left me with such misery.
In the UK, around 180,000 people go missing every year. While among them, there are gruesome stories about people getting kidnapped and being harmed, there are also those who just pack up and leave one day, abandoning everything they had behind without a glance back. There are people with stable jobs and a nice family who walk out of their front doors and never come back, and it's their courage of leaving that had left me feeling envious.
The circumstances that led to adults leaving and never looking back is complex. I remember reading about people being severely depressed, having tremendous family issues, having too much responsibility on their shoulders to move forward, snapping and going away. I wondered just which category I fell into to be feeling such a level of yearning.
Interestingly, the research paper showed two sides of the people who went missing voluntarily and came back. It was the dilemma of leaving and the guilt of actually going away. The constant push and pull between "I'm never going back" and "I should go back." felt something I could relate to because as a person who wants to get lost, it's only the guilt that keeps most of those who wish to leave at bay.
"There is a big difference between disappearing and being lost. Because when I went missing the idea was that I would know where I was."
I guess it's the idea of people leaving without looking back that got to me. The thought of getting lost on purpose, the thought of disappearing from everyone you ever knew to me it showed a sense of freedom, even though I would say I lived a rather free life.
But who knows, maybe I'm just that depressed... :')
Among all the reports of people who went missing, one quote had stood out to me like a blazing fire in a thunderstorm.
"That's the hardest thing, coming home again. Going away is easy."
I remember looking at this line for several minutes as it crumbled everything that was left inside of me. And the only reaction I could muster at that moment — like a great scholar that I was — was, fuck!
Because for a person like me, it truly is the hardest thing, coming home.
I wish I had a reset button. I'd rather not be here at all.
