I recently traded some messages with a super accomplished friend of mine who instructed me not to tell anyone that he was feeling extreme comparisonitis. (Sorry buddy, I had to tell everyone.)
Comparisonitis - you know, that disease of looking around at peers and wondering why you aren’t like him or like her. You may look at the social media and/or LinkedIn lives of folks who are a few years ahead of you, or many years ahead of you, and wonder how you can get their life and accolades.
Severity of comparisonitis can vary depending on the stage of life you may be in; it may be more severe the more life you have ahead of you or come with an “awakening” of sorts at a key milestone
Comparisonitis risk factors increase in circles of highly ambitious and accomplished folks and it may be further exacerbated by social media or phenomena like 30 under 30
Complications of comparisonitis include moodiness, feeling crap about yourself, actively diminishing your achievements, severely judging the successes of others, shutting other people down, feeling super insecure and sucking up to people who may seem to have all the accolades you may want, and spending way too much time on social media feeling sorry for yourself
Alright, sound familiar?
For me, comparisonitis usually strikes out of nowhere after periods of time where I felt just fine and wonderful about myself. Here are some techniques I’ve done to mitigate the experience:
Notice whenever you’re indulging in comparison – The absolute first step is to notice when comparisonitis is creeping up. If you don’t already have that self-awareness to notice, then none of the other tips on this list will matter. To develop the ability to be aware, it helps to meditate or have some other mindfulness practice in order to cultivate the tools that will allow you to notice.
Imagine if the person you’re comparing yourself to were to die tomorrow – Yes, morbid, I know, but let’s take the approach that the stoics may have taken: any of us could die at any moment, and so can the people with whom you’re comparing yourself. These achievements, whatever they are, can evaporate at any moment, and whatever those achievements are will disappear to dust. Time and time again, what matters at the end of life is our relationships.
Realize that you’re probably comparing what’s on your cutting room floor with someone else’s highlights – Everyone, and I mean everyone, has no Bueno parts of their life. Everyone has weaknesses, doubts, scars, pains, sufferings, etc. and they all come in many forms and manifest in various realities. You probably have no idea what’s going on with other people. You may think you do, but if you’re judging someone else purely based on their Instagram, you probably don’t. (For more on this, check out the other article written on this topic.)
Look at your own highlight reel – For the amount of time that you spend looking at other people’s social media accounts, you probably spend a lot less reviewing your own. For as much as you may or may not feel that your life is curated, just remember that each photo, memory, piece of writing, documented achievement, etc. on social media is representative of something in your life that you now have the opportunity to appreciate. Relish in that.
Write and understand your story – Even if you have to write just a few sentences about how far you’ve come in the past or where you see yourself going in the future, make yourself the hero in your own personal story. Even better, pretend that you’re the star of an indie movie and visualize what that movie might look like. Who plays your character? Who directs, and how does the story weave through the twists and turns of life? Answering these questions will help you to distance yourself from comparisonitis.
Focus on helping someone else – Without fail, whenever I’m feeling comparisonitis, those feels completely disappear when I look for someone else to give back to. Sometimes I get outreach from people who are looking for guidance in their careers, and this is pretty much only because my highlight reel (as featured on LinkedIn, Instagram, etc.) can look really sweet to others (which is hilarious to me). Unequivocally, when I make the effort to help others to think through their questions, challenges, or ideas, I don’t even think about comparison at all; instead, I find myself dropping my own internal dialog and instead thinking about the collective good.
Focus on love – Think about the people, pets, or places you love. Maybe think about things that you love to do. Look at photos of people or places you love (see #4). Place a phone call to someone you love. Send a message to someone you love. Do an activity you love. Again, the very idea of comparison will totally evaporate when you actively engage in something or someone whom you love.
Meditate – Or better yet, listen to a hypnosis recording that will condition the comparisonitis out of you. Meditation will make you more aware of that comparison habit (see #1), and hypnosis (which is meditation with a goal) will actively use language and visualization to vaporize any notion of those feelings.
Visualize other people’s success very, very in-depth – Pretend that you’re on their team. Imagine all the success that someone else would have, and visualize what that might look like in detail. But instead of comparing yourself to them, wish them well. Wish them really well. Imagine success on their behalf beyond what they could ever imagine; imagine success for them deeply, and truly wish that for them. It may not sound good on the surface when you’re indulging in comparisonitis, but weirdly, this tactic works because a) you get to re-own the image of success on someone else’s behalf and b) you dispel the feelings of judgment that you may have felt about yourself because hey, you’re a wonderful person for wishing someone else SO well! (Credit to my hypnotherapy teacher, Grace Smith, for sharing this tactic!)
Comparisonitis is all too common of a condition in our overconnected, oversaturated world. I’ve found that whenever I use the above tactics, there’s almost an instantaneous change in my affect and I can focus again on becoming the best version of myself on behalf of others. Hopefully, they word for you, too, so let me know which of the above tactics work for you or if you have any others you would recommend!
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” —Theodore Roosevelt
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P.S. Here’s some further reading on eradicating comparison!
