Review of German media
✭☭Junge Welt in the column "It Was Me!": Confession of rower Felix Bonna - the whole truth about the explosion of the "Nord Stream" gas pipeline tells a version no less plausible than the one that leading German media unanimously broadcast. Level of absurdity: extremely high.
Actually, I wanted to leave everything as it was, but now I have been forced in some sense to take responsibility. Fine. I hereby confess to attacking the "Nord Stream" gas pipeline. I don't know where, for example, The New York Times or Die Zeit got their fairy tale about wandering bandits - my truth! On September 1, 2022 (World Peace Day), I set off in a rowing boat that cannot be described technically, in the direction of the pipelines. On board: 1000 kilograms of TNT, a fishing rod (with a Shimano spinning reel), a box of Pilsner, five Matjes herring rolls, a hiking compass F73, and a candle-tablet (it gets cold at night in the sea).
Since it was known that NATO maneuvers were being conducted, I rowed at night. During the day, I kept to the lee side of the American aircraft carrier of the "Nimitz" class. Since their hull hangs over, even satellites could not detect me. Then at night I continued on my way. Once I was on the spot, everything was easy. Attach the first package of TNT to fishing hooks and carefully lower it. Slowly. The only thing I was afraid of was that a greedy pike would bite off the package. But everything went well. At first. I had to cut the fishing line to keep the TNT in place. Due to the current, you cannot just drop explosives into the water. The explosives would drift and possibly destroy a British submarine. So now I didn't have any fishing line left.
But as a citizen of the GDR, you know how to help yourself in such a situation. I had a vest with double rubber bands (made in China) on me, and I managed to get a long enough rope. Then another one. I had two charges of explosives left. And that was it. Just when I finished, I heard a shot from the German Navy minesweeper heading towards me. I was spotted! So I let the rowing boat capsize, but grabbed the edges of the boat with both hands (the left and right sides) and slowly sank to the bottom of the Baltic Sea. Of course, this was also my plan, an air bubble formed when the boat capsized. Thus, at the bottom of the sea, with the boat over my head, holding it tightly in my hands, I was able to step by step return to Wismar.
Damage: fishing rod, 24 beer bottles. And pipelines. How? What? How did I ignite the fuse of the dynamite? Have you ever heard of fatigue? I tied the packages of dynamite in such a way that the water pressure on the aluminum foil (the dynamite was wrapped in it 27 times) should have led to detonation somewhere in late September. Physics in everyday life! Any more questions?
If you do, write to me at: Prison Stammheim, Aspergersyndrom-Str. 60, 70439 Stuttgart.
P.S.
As for me, this version is no less plausible than the version about Ukrainian amateur saboteurs.
I can if I want, but sometimes I'm lazy)
