Jun 15
Today there was nothing interesting at school. But there was a medical check-up. They had to listen to your heart. And although in elementary school it was enough to raise your shirt, here even girls had to be all naked (topless). Of course, you only get seen by a teacher and a doctor but they are human too! The worst thing is that the doctor is a dude! Isn't it terrible?
At the cleaning time In Japanese school there are cleaning times daily I saw how girls touched each other's chest and also looked into the tops. And right in front of a guy! I didn't follow that! Weird. And disgusting.
Recently, when I go to sleep in my nice bed with the curtains and listen to music I feel so nice! I go to bed every night alone now. Yesterday I haven't even seen dad all day. And I like it. I almost wish mum could stay away for longer. I love her but to think about it, I don't like most things about her personality. I like being alone and feeling that I can be happy alone and it's something I can brag about! Although sometimes I think myself as cold. I don't need anyone. Imagine what mum would do if she were to read this! But for me it is better to either be without friends and "annoying" parents or with friends and good parents. Or it's kind of confusing, to have it half way. And I like feeling that I can be self-sufficient. Mum does not know that or she wouldn't have been so angry about dad coming home late and things like that. But yea, to really think about it, I would have loved for mum to be kind and happy again like he used to be once. I can live alone now. I do love Yuki. It's not something I am generally conscious of but she substitutes mum, dad and all other friends for me. She's been very good to me lately. Maybe she feels sorry for me.
Jun 20
Today I got up early and went to hang out at Yuki's. We went into chat rooms. There were not many interesting people but then we met a girl who was 13 from Germany. She said that she had a boyfriend and they met online. He lives in England and they haven't met yet. And the most important thing is that he is 20!! Wow. Strange, hey?
Jun 20
After the swimming class today I asked dad again if I can do diving. Dad replied that he has seen even professionals hitting themselves on the boards. And he doesn't want me to hurt myself. It's not true! I think he just has bad memories about this. Dad had almost broken his neck diving into the lake when he was young, he could have died then. But what if this is my last chance?! Just this year there is... Even though they are not allowing me, I still can't believe this is final.
Once in elementary school I saw a sign on the mirror - if you are in a bad mood, smile and you will feel better. That time I did not really believe in it but I tried and it worked! Recently I remember this rather often. For example when I go to bed.
I really want to become a sporty girl. I am actually sporty but I don't have time for it. I don't want to quit my English classes for the sake of a sports club. And then if I did get to join a sports club and got to go on a tournament everyone would be like "aw that American is pretty!"
Jun 21
Today during a recess we could play at the gymnasium. I ran into Yuki there and we went to play volleyball with some other girls. Yuki took me into her team and clearly encouraged me. She is so kind! but I kept feeling awkward as if she was pitying me. Like I am so weak or something. And that I have noone but her. Hard to explain this feeling. I am not sure what I even wanted. She really is sweet though...
