We are almost at the end of chapter one.
Originally this work “Meditation” was part of the breakup arc. It was somewhere after “Lost Time” and before “They don’t fit”.
But while working on the blogs for those pieces, I realised this work “didn’t fit” in there. Or at least, there wasn’t much to say at the time. So I decided it would become an introspection piece. So called “Return” like in a Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey. As most remember, hero finds the elixir, or truth in my case, and then returns back to the ordinary world where it all started, with this new knowledge and implement it.
When I was going through my healing journey, I had a conversation with a friend that I knew for a long time. He is quite crazy about meditation. He always enjoyed doing it, sometimes even a little too much, but it seemed it was helping him a lot in his life.
Me on the other hand, even though I was introduced to Mindfulness and Meditation in the full scope of it during early years, it was more of a hindering experience rather than helpful. In the school that I went to, we were tasked to take a couple of minutes of mindfulness at the start of the class, during those times it would throw me off balance. All the excitement and energy I would have built up for tackling the class would be gone after those short mindfulness sessions. At times like these I felt disoriented, drowsy sometimes, and completely un-spirited to do any work. Thankfully, we weren’t pressured to meditate seriously, so I just sat in silence during those minutes, drawing or already tackling assignments or personal projects.
It was only years later that meditation became alluring to me. During my breakup, in that conversation with a friend, he told me to meditate. And that’s when I thought: “Hell, why not? I have nothing better to do, might as well.” So he sent me some videos, told me a bit about how to and whatnot and off I went. To meditate. Right the moment he sent me the first video.
It wasn’t a long one. Soothing female voice guided me through my thoughts towards silence.
I will not lie, my world didn’t change that instant. It was the same world, the same reality, but I didn’t dislike the experience. That was my small tiny shift.
During the next days and weeks, I would dive deeper and deeper into the meditation rabbit hole on youtube. Meditation during sleep, guided hypnosis, music, mantras. I explored a lot. And had some unexplained phenomenas. I didn’t become a fanatic, but I got a valuable tool, that I could access any time I needed. And it did indeed help me in my journey. I also realised, that maybe it doesn’t need to come to everyone on the first try. Maybe one needs to grow into it, I definitely needed to get there on my own, in my own perfect timing. “Maybe timing matters with all kinds of other things as well” - that thought also appeared in my mind.
But let’s return to the topic at hand - reflection. The monster as an image of me, had undergone some vital changes. Through this arc he opened his eye. Reluctantly, slowly, but it opened. Indeed, he already had an eye on his belly, but that’s not the main eye. If I were to guess (yes, I'm guessing, as I’m not entirely consciously making those decisions) the belly eye was the only sense available to the monster. Akin to the gut feeling it was perceiving information but not thoroughly communicating it to the mind. It was an unconscious sense. It was developed and opened but it would not possess a lot of governing power. The eye was an observer, it wasn’t entirely a receiver. And even though Green Monster was able to be guided by that eye, it wasn’t a conscious decision, he wasn’t able to understand why he had a certain knowledge or a certain feeling. Someone noticed that the eye’s location is not entirely on the belly, but in the area of a heart. Maybe it wasn’t just a gut feeling, but a higher self or soul guidance (If you believe in those things). For me when I was younger I called it an inner radar, some might call it compass.
As a “radar” this eye had a limited ability in communicating what it perceived, thus the monster needed a more reliable sense.
That’s how the actual eye opened. Slowly untying the ropes that bound the eye shut, even under the influence of the pink clouded glasses. When the truth came to light and the glasses shattered, there was no way back. It’s impossible to shut the eye closed, once already opened. With that Green Monster gained the ability to truly see. To consciously see the world, the reality, and the connections that bound him to others. It was newly gained power, so it would take him sometime before he could truly utilise it, but it was a major breakthrough nonetheless.
Another interesting transformation happened with his ears too. I thought I just got bored drawing his ear hairs, but now I can’t be certain that it was just boredom, that led me to that artistic choice. There were a lot of times that I would not hear others, of course that would mean monster couldn’t either. I would imagine it would be tough to hear clearly what is said with so many obstacles closing off the path for the sounds. I think with that change happening so suddenly, both of us, Monster and I still have not yet figured out this sense to the full extent. Possibly we haven’t even started. Even now, a year later after the hairs are gone, we haven’t consciously acknowledged that the change occurred. That might be the work to be done by the present me.
So here we finally are. End of the first chapter. Of the Break Up Arc. (I feel like I'm writing a comic book or something with those arcs and chapters. But hey, why not?)
More transformations and journeys are coming. Next arc is about green monsters identity and his journey for a name.
*PS. During this arc he also changed a title. Going from little green monster to green monster. Not sure why, when and how that happened. But i guess he just grew a little somehow.
“With everything that’s going on, I think I should just stay here and meditate”
