I had to take a small mental break between writing previous post and this one. Even though you wouldn’t know the difference as this comes out weekly. The need for a break for me was significant. Even though it was a year difference between happy place and entangled, the emotional jump was much greater.
In those past 4 years years events happened to me, for me, against me, through me or despite me. But me was never on the forefront of those events. It was crazy fast flowing river and i didn’t have any say in its direction. Compared to the place where I'm now, or where i started to feel like when making this piece. It was an enormous change. And now i'm swimming in a different ocean.
Entangled will be forever a very dear piece to me, as this was the beginning, the new beginning. A start of complete re-imagination and transformation.
Bet let’s get more grounded and go through what actually happened.
We left “happy place” with my university adventures, and trying to reunite with my fiance. I was still in uni, while trying to prepare for extensive visa application. Apparently to be reunited with your fiance in UK, it takes a huge amount of work, preparation and nerves. I met an incredible amount of people online who were struggling with the same process i was going to do. And their stories were both fascinating and absolutely heartbreaking. You need to prepare a ton of documents, insane amount of conversation transcripts, photos, letters from friends and family, spend huge amounts of money to apply and prove you have much much more to your name. I feel like the worst part is that you as an applicant can’t really do much. Yes, you need to collect a great deal of documents, but you can’t help out with reaching financial threshold, as it is all on the “sponsor”. Now i know quite a bit of the information on how to apply to UK fiance visa and I didn’t even got to do it.
We hit a dead end couple of times. Right before applying we realised that we don’t yet reach the financial requirement, to then realise that something else was not on the par. All of that while being so far from each other, both struggling with our lives.
With everything that’s been going on. With all the stress, money and visas. My fiance decided to back down a little. He thought we shouldn’t rush it so much. That we should make a touristic visit, let me stay there for 6 months to see how we do in the normal mundane atmosphere for once. I agreed.
My mom always believed if something doesn’t go easily, then it isn’t meant to be. And even though my heart would agree, my brain wanted to see this till the end.
To add to the things going hard way, my tourist visa got rejected.And my uni wouldn’t let me leave before end of the semester. But again my brain wouldn’t take no for an answer, so i finished the semester, stayed on my friends couch while waiting for my Malaysian visa to be closed. (living on my friends couch was actually the most fun i had during all my time in Malaysia). Then i went back home, applied again for a tourist visa, and i got it this time.
Month or so later, my bags were packed and i was on the way to England. To see my long distance fiance.
Those 6 months were something. I think, i came there with a wrong intention. Yes, i loved my boyfriend, but I came there to escape, find home, be able to draw, escape the hot weather, get a desk. All those things that i thought stop me from being my best self. I thought moving would be a cure-all. I didn’t consciously have those thoughts but now looking back, i know what all of it was about.
Those six month even though full of love and relationship i thought i wanted to have for the rest of my life, were also the darkest. It was the lowest i ever felt in my life, though it was covered in a cloudy film of pastel colours. In reality i felt isolated. First third of my stay we lived in his parent’s home. Somewhat in the country side of the city center, quite a decent walk away. With no friends of my own, dependent on my fiance to drive me if i wanted to go somewhere. With no knowledge of surroundings, even when i learned them. Stored in the room, with the table i always wanted, but with no energy to use it. Cut off from family by my own accord, which in a way was a good thing, but not the way we left it off.
At some point we finally decided to get a place of our own. I have scouted the internet for tiny cute flats in all possible regions close to his work and his parents, until we settled on a small, yet cozy two storey flat, that was within his budget and a nice location.
Who knew but scouring places and looking at furnitures was the most fun i had at the time. Buying kitchen utensils and blankets also became my obsession. But the happiness didn’t last too long. Settling into a new space is exciting, but if theres no substance it all becomes as grim as it was before.
I will be honest, most of that time was a blur. I was alone at home, without the skill of entertaining myself or making myself busy. And even though i drew more during my stay in England than any of the previous years, it was making me feel worse, even more disheartened than i ever was.
I felt lost. I felt stagnant. I felt no movement, no passion, no strength. I remember clearly during that time i open safari and google “what if i have no passions in life”.
It was my lowest low, and i didn’t realise it yet. Then we decided to break up. I mean my boyfriend broke up with me. Thankfully our flat was 5 minute walking distance from my boyfriends acquaintance, wife of whom became my really good friend. I asked to stay over.
They are beautiful souls who took me under their wing during my downfall. When our sad party settled, i stayed up.
When i feel lost, sometime i dive into esoterics, numerology and astrology. That was the night i decided to read about myself, my boyfriend, even my parents. I stayed up until 3 am bawling my eyes out, and it wasn’t because of the break up. My soul heard something it needed to hear at that time. Every calculation, every chart all said one thing. Im the person who has many many passions and interests. Everything can be interesting for me. And without proper focus, i will be equally scattered.
At that moment it sounded like the biggest curse of my life, but to know it's there was the biggest blessing.
The next day, with puffy eyes and a new perspective, green monster came to me. Tangled in vines, ropes, shackles and chains, being torn in all kinds of directions, being completely still.
So next couple days i spent in a total bliss, pumping 14 hours in to the creation of “Entangled” drawing every chain, every small detail, and green monster.
I felt the ease again. I felt whole. I felt energy flowing. And thats when i thought.
This is my chance, i cant stop now.
“I’ve never felt strongly about anything. No subject no activity was inspiring for me more than others. Some creatures can just say they want to go that way and they will for the rest of their lives. Me? I am standing still with no path to go to.
In reality it wasn’t the case that I DIDN’T have a path, but that I had too many. I was entangled in them equally. All of them holding me at the exact amount that instead of a pull I feel still.”
