First of all let me just let you know why the paper's story added to part 1 doesn't quite gel with mine. Firstly they say they intercepted £5000 in cash and that's how they caught me, this wasn't how they caught me at all, but I guess it made them feel better or possibly they do it to protect the person who gives up the names, I don't know. They caught me because the 2 guys I was taking weed to on the Isle of Man fell out and one of them grassed us both up. Then it says they found the weed in my car and not my van, this was true. The reason for this was I had done a dozen or so trips already in my camper van and this trip was actually just to collect money I was owed and I didn't need the van. Also by this time I had realised the sniffer dogs could not smell the weed through freshly triple-vacuum-sealed packs. (Dogs can smell through many layers, but only after the smell has had time to permeate the layers) I had had sniffer dogs in the van looking around on 4 occasions, once been virtually at my stash sniffing, still no indication. So I had stashed a kilo in the back seat of the car.
I was on the ferry crossing as normal. I got the occasional pang of nerves on these trips but I was fairly good at just breathing through that and staying calm and being able to talk to customs officers or police with a smile. As I was preparing to leave the ferry on this trip (which incidentally was planned to be my penultimate deal after thousands over 20 years! I love the comedy of the universe), I could see something was different. They were doing "random checks" of vehicles up ahead. Well there was nowhere for me to go so I just took a deep breathe, put my music on and hoped to sail through. But as I approached the exit, I knew something was up. My heart started to warn me, and I took the hint and looked for why. It was already obvious they were taking special interest in my car. This wasn't going to be random.
I was told to move off to the right so I drove to where there I was surrounded by 10 or so police and a sniffer dog. I was asked to leave the car and empty my pockets and they proceeded to search my car, finding a tiny spliff end in the ashtray that they sealed in a ziplock bag. I was still calm at this point. I should take a break here to explain why I was calm...
Go back 6 months and I was at the end of a messy break up of a 10 year relationship with the mother of my kids. I was in a state about it, I was taking a lot of drugs and drinking a lot to drown out the fear of losing what I thought I had. I spiraled into depression. I was drinking red wine and snorting ketamine plenty of nights. I let down my kids numerous times by either not being there for them or being there and letting them see me in such a state. Part of what I was doing chasing money was shear escapism from my inner torment. I wanted to feel I was making progress, to feel I was doing something worthwhile for my kids. I was in denial about the pain I was causing them simply by being unhappy.
There was a pivotal moment that changed my life. I was granted a pity shag from my ex after she saw what a state I was in. She didn't mean it to hurt me. Part of her still loved me, she wanted to take away some of my pain if just for a short time. There was no afterglow, there was a hollow aching, which turned into despair. She had shaved her pussy, and now my horniness had receded, it came to me that it hadn't been done for me. I told her to get out, I didn't say why. She didn't want to leave and it took me to the point of screaming to get rid of her. I'd never felt so low. A little self pity and sobbing later I saw an image of my eldest daughter. I saw her looking at me and I had never seen her look so sad in real life. Then I saw myself through her eyes. I saw myself, gaunt and empty, no vitality, no light in my eyes. I went to the mirror and stared hard. I looked fucking dead. I had hit rock bottom. There was nothing there. I had been going in a direction that had no purpose, no meaning other than to show me this very fact. I was hurting everyone around me. I was abandoning my kids for my own selfish self indulgence. I had to do something, I had to change.
At this point I had been so humiliated. My ego was so broken that I had very little shame. i wasn't worried about what people thought of me anymore. I had created a self image that wasn't worth anything. So I had no issue with reaching out publicly for help. I asked friends to help me. I reached out on facebook. People responded, I had many people private message me, offering me kind words, books I should read. I was offered an astrology report form a woman I had never met in Australia. i humbly accepted all the help I was offered. Some of the books played a big part in my recovery. The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle was significant, Shadow Dance by David Richo was pivotal. People caring was the most important. It was as if people were waiting for me to emerge from my cocoon. They were ready and willing to help.
This was the beginning of a spiritual awakening for me, it was the end of immaturity and self pity and blaming others. It was the start of taking responsibility for all my past and current action. Fuck, I had a lot to rectify, a lot to change and make up for, but I was ready and willing. Time to stop being an asshole...
To be continued...
