Chapter 8 Relationship Between PPD And Husband
“Marriage is not 50-50; divorce is 50-50. Marriage has to be 100-100. It isn’t dividing everything in half, but giving everything you’ve got!”
It’s a person’s most raw and core evolutionary instinct to want to pair up with another person. Of course, the union between two people is much more sophisticated than satisfying a prime need for reproduction and protection. From the point of view of mythology, religion and philosophy, two people are suppose to be with each other to make a perfect whole. So thus, all of us look for this person, specially designed for us, who will compliment us in every aspect.
I was only 17 years old when I met my ex husband, and at the time, I was sure he is this perfect half. When we got married I was so happy that I have overlooked a lot of the things I now consider foundational elements of any relationship. This man without a question was attentive to my immediate needs, but not towards digging deep into my life on a very intimate level. He was kind of living in the moment, and I in turn did not have the knowledge needed in order to indicate that our coexistence was superficial. We loved each other, there was no doubt about this, but with my insecurity in self and his unwillingness to “scratch beneath the surface” resulted into us being connected only on operational level. I am a person who has suffered low self-worth in the predominant part of my life, yet my partner never knew it. He never made me feel psychologically and emotionally safe enough to share this painful revelation. Instead he was enjoying what he was perceiving to have- a beautiful wife, who loved him. I guess this was enough for him not to be too concerned with my personality or spirit. My first pregnancy ended tragically with a miscarriage. Both my husband and I were devastated! But instead of us coming closer in our pain, we avoided sharing the pain. He was experiencing his pain, without allowing me to comfort it or to join it. I, in turn, was forced to endure my suffering by myself. Without properly realizing and allowing my pain to exist, I became fixated on fixing it, so that we can both avoid it.
I became pregnant again and after my wonderful daughter was born two major events happened almost simultaneously- I developed PPD and the true nature of my marriage started to reveal.
The facade of our relationship, that I admired, started to slowly flake away, revealing a very unpleasant and confronting truth. Looking back on it now, I can see that the inadequacy of my partner was to a huge degree the reason for my PPD. It was one of these affirming moments in a marriage that a make or break- it turns a strong relationship even stronger; it turns a weak relationship into even weaker. Wise people say that in order to see how strong a relationship is you must put it through the test of hard times in life. Well, we ended up in such a situation, and very quickly, the lack of genuine emotional and spiritual bond was obvious.
After our baby was born, we were both inexperienced with handling a fragile little person. I felt it was my responsibility to develop these skills in order to take care of my baby girl and I did. I employed all of my resources to make sure all of her needs are fulfilled. However PPD was creating a storm of uncontrollable negative feelings in me. I was confused and scared of this new role- being a mother. It’s not as easy as people describe it, especially when you realize how much is on the line. I started fostering feeling of guilt and lack of confidence right after I gave birth to my daughter. It was so perplexing and terrifying at the time not knowing why I was feeling all these things. I had no explanation to provide myself or others. But in all fairness, nobody was really interested in knowing what was happening to me, not even my husband.
He was looking upon me with an blamind and resentful look, as if it was my choice to feel that miserable! I felt really alone. He could see something was not right with me, everybody could, but nobody did anything. I felt no support from the people who I called “family”.
Even the littlest attempts of me expressing how I feel were met with utter disregard and very often accusations, such as “You have everything, what are you complaining about…”.
I felt so guilty for… feeling. I was constantly indoctrinated into believing that my feelings were not justified, that they were pathetic and they deserved no consideration.
I knew then that as a human being, I had no value to anyone. It was no difference to them if I was there or not, they were certainly acted as if it was better without me. I started feeling apathy towards being alive. Something that most people cherish to an extreme was a tedious burden for me to sustain. Needless to say, this shaked even more my confidence of performing mother duties. As a result I felt like everything I did as a mother was of bad quality. I felt incapable to the point of crippled and now the worst part was, that I had no interest in fighting against it.
Why fight? I was shown clearly that even the love of my life has abandoned me as a wife, a person, a human. I had no interest in fighting for myself.
My husband was walking by me as I was a road sign and not an agonizing human. We barely spoke let alone exhibit affection for one another. He was blaming me for my condition, and I had no idea how to exonerate myself. Every time I reached out for him he was shutting me out. At one point I stopped. I finally got the message- this man was not willing to be my partner when things were rough.
My mind was terrified and tortured on daily basis, due to that I could not sleep, eat properly or do anything I used to prior to giving birth. After a while this left a noticeable print on my appearance- I gained weight, I looked tired and sad, I was moody and I was crying often. Desperation led not only to reinforcing negative thought processes towards self, that I had from a young age but also to destructive habits that I would absolutely hate prior to PPD, like drinking. It was a coping mechanism I have developed in response to the constant soul anguish I was enduring. It was helping me sleep a little and at least for the time being, to escape the nightmare I was calling reality.
Days went by, months went by and finally my husband decided he no longer wishes to be stranded to a damaged person like me and he filed for divorce.
This truly broke the last bits of my torn heart. I had my real confirmation now- he did not wanted to be with me in the condition that I was in. He used my state as a tool to get custody over our daughter. Although I wanted the best, most adequate care for her, this was the last straw for me. I was dead on the inside.
It’s hard to describe moments like this, because no words are an appropriate representation of the event.
The only thing I was left with is voice-seizing pain and a million questions.
Now that I think about the whole ordeal, I can say that I have a better insight as to what happened and why.
My low self-worth has led me to engage into a relationship with a person who was not the right one for me, but he appeared to be the one. My sense of self was so distorted, that I would look upon the minimal commitment as a huge gift that I was almost not worthy of. But despite this I was doing everything that I could to make us work, falsely chasing the vision I had of this person and not the reality that he was. I was following a life long dream of making my heart whole again by having a baby. And after years of anticipation and yearning I was finally where I wanted to be, but the tension throughout the years was now gone and all of the concealed emotions were released. And when they stormed down on me I faced another devastating blow- I realized how artificial was my marriage. I realized I devoted my life to a person who had no problem leaving me in one of the hardest times in my entire life, a person who showed almost no sympathy towards me as a person and a wife, a person who made me feel unworthy and guilty for suffering PPD.
The road to my recovery was very hard but it taught me something fundamental for soul rehabilitation- forgiveness.
I learned you can’t genuinely recuperate unless you are able to let go of the things that got you to be sick in the first place.
If your partner is currently experiencing PPD do not forget that behind the tears, the sadness and confusion stands the beautiful person you chose to have a life with. The person with whom you have created the biggest gift in the world- your child. Show her that you are her rock, allow her to express herself, and most of all talk to her. You do not need to know everything, nobody does. Be willing to learn, and to get through this with her- as a team. Share your feelings with her and allow her to feel your empathy in this situation, allow her to not be afraid of her own feelings. Because trust me when I say, the terror that PPD creates in a person’s mind is scarier than the most intense horror movie.
That’s why we get together, so we know that even if the darkest of times comes, there is this one person who will always want to light your way.
“There is no perfect time and there are no perfect circumstances. There is only the perfect will to push ourselves to be more.”
-Valerie Jambrovic
