Hug.

It's 4 am here, and I woke up scared, anxious, feelings that the little slice of hope that made me avoid this cloudy reality was running away from me. Feeling all Senseless, once again.

I can’t believe I forgot the way I used to write, and the way I used to deal with sadness. I forgot, for a minute, for a week, for a month, my human condition, feeling worthless in front of my little hopes becoming terrifying ghost coming to haunt me. how I am supposed to be magical, ethereal, if this keeps happening? How can I help someone, when it’s so hard to help myself? That anoying echoe mumbles again.

I hear the claiming of what I became in these short months, and I felt the doubt of being actually able to “do it” …
…Even when I made it so many times before.

The past will always be there to remind you your victories, but also, your biggest mistakes, just like all those lacks of love comes in the form of anxiety. And now, writing these lines, the tears come down again to call for my human condition, and everything become a big snowball running fast to me, till it swallow everything that keeps me sane…. My ethereal mind universe faces chaos again.

So, I woke up all chocking myself, and the housekeeper (@nebraska) were awake. She’s one of those “mothers” that somehow compensated the lack of that figure in my life. My heart was racing, my mind was blurry, and my body felt soulless in front of my own thoughts… and I did it.

¿Karin, can you… please…?

She was really confused at the beginning, but when I approached her in the little hallway between the living room and the bathroom she just opened her arms and received me. I left my head over her shoulder (since she’s smaller than me) and I left it out, trying to don’t be loud and letting her shoulder a bit wet. She hugged me like her own child; like 4 or 3 times I released her, I started crying again and then she comforted me once again till I was able to talk.

I took a sit; she leaned in a wall in front of me, and the healing begun.

I forgot so many things that I were looking all by myself… but, that’s the problem.

Sometimes we need someone to remind us everything we already know. The irony is that those lessons were almost the same that I teach when someone needs my advice. I always say that we’re social beings, that we need to interact and know other people opinions, but my own little demons are always trying to make me deal with things that can actually win the battle, if I face them alone. And they were winning.

Sad hopeless thoughts, my issues from the past, my desires and needs that are really hard to fulfill in this place, came together to pierce my chest, leaving me all heartbroken. And, also the sad present and its events finished the job. But, in that little hug (well, the three or four hugs), in that small gesture and following nagging for letting myself get carried away for them, I felt a warm reminder of my life philosophy.

You don't need to think that much.

The vague conviction of better times for me, the one that made me go through all that sorrow and survive, brought the colors once again. And all I need to do its keep standing... till the chances come.