Father are you there? Am I doing something wrong? I know I've done so many wrong things and not to compare with others but...
My faith wavers everytime I don't get what I want or need or expect, and everytime something very unexpected and silly and minute happens. Especially with things I hold dear and important.
Quick example, I make a silly mistake in the exam that I know will cost me and it's not for lack of knowledge, it just feels like something a lack of grace would cause and I'm like 'why don't I have the grace?' Now that I'm thinking about, I'm saying lack of grace. Before now, I always said it's the devil.
Well the above I accept cause I'm like yeah it was my fault, I made that mistake, yada yada. So when the result is out, I don't complain. I just smile in pain. And blame God only a little for not helping me or showing me.
Theeen today, just today, I see a C in an exam I wrote so well. No complaints, no mistakes that would cost me and I see a C???????????? A Ceeeeeeeeeee? Smh. Then I saw a B in one that I made no mistakes at all in. A Beeeeeeeee? Aaaah for an elective? That I wrote well? All my "I wrote wells" are always As so what's with the B and C wave? Is this a test? Is this a lesson? Is this punishment? Is this telling me I don't deserve it? Because this is shameful! Very embarrassing and unnecessary. I mean if I was a C student or a B student, why wasn't it just always like that? What was the point of the As? I'm itching to find out. Why have people have high expectations of me just from my demeanor and God-knows-what-else, only to put me down and tell them through my disgrace that they are wrong? I have so many questions and they say "don't question God". If I don't, who do I question? Myself? I see. No I don't see. I know nothing. Absolutely nothing. There's no formula yeah? According to Amarachi and the Instagram girl, so how am I supposed to get by? As mechanical and technical as I am. How?
I mean if I'm messing up, shouldn't I be called to order not in ways that'll have me drift away more or upset me but through love and uh well I dunno. God should know best. Is it because my body is not chaste right now? Is it because I made out with Kingsley? Because we had oral sex more than once? Oh I thought there was no formula. This isn't one? Of course I'm remorseful 'cause God says it's wrong and I've stayed away from him since. Haven't entertained him or obliged him or even reached out even though I like him because I know what would happen if we were in the same room again, worse I could loose my virginity. So I do make a conscious effort to avoid sin. Isn't that enough? Oh it's not cause I'm expected to be a 100% righteous and perfect like my Father is yeah? But then when I'm all chaste and clean and stuff, I still don't see mountains being moved for me. I don't see, not in this world. Everything's basic isn't it? Am I wrong? I thought there was no formula. Is it a trade by barter? If you keep my commandments, I'll bless you. That sounds about right. So people who preach that God blesses us even if we sin, people who say that God doesn't hold our sins against us are wrong. Or is it different strokes for different folks? Apparently, 'cause I know sinners, not that I'm judging them but they are in fact sinners going by the definition, who it seems God blesses and blesses and blesses... I dunno is there a general definition of blessing? It's probably relative. Most likely is. Or are there lucid intervals? Like it is for an insane person. So you sin, and then you confess, and then you're clean and then God blesses you within that time frame until you sin again and then He doesn't bless you until you're forgiven. Formally. But for the blessings bestowed during your lucid period, it won't be taken from you. Okay!
PS: Hi, I'm new here. Am I? Questions.馃様
