It's hot, my brain feels like it is melting and I am struggling to think. My plan was to take some time after dinner, where I would sit at my laptop and write this post. But when I attempted to do, just that, no words came. I really struggled to even form sentences. I had no really topic in mind, I just wanted to freestyle it, to allow whatever needed to be expressed, to just come out.
But instead, I sat there wondering why I put myself through this, this discomfort of living in the heat. 38 degrees Celsius, with no fresh air, only the heaviness of the heat baring down on me. I mean what else, could I think about really.
It was time to go outside, (yes why didn't I think of that earlier) where it definitely felt somewhat cooler. Then I remembered my outdoor bath. The one that I had filled with water earlier in the morning, for this exact reason, to cool me down, when the heat got too much. So I stripped off and got in.
It is amazing, what immersing yourself in cold water does for your well being. Especially when you feel like you are being cooked. Every cell in my body rejoiced, as I openly expressed my joy, as the cold water, washed over me.
Finally I felt human again and well more equipped to actually sit down and write. At last my brain could function again and I could begin to write. But this time, I chose to sit outside, with my pencil and some paper and began, what you are now reading.
When I was in Ireland, experiencing heat, but in a slightly different way, (in the form of very high fevers) there was all sorts of things that began to surface for me. So many emotions that were tied to past experiences. Emotions that I thought were laid to rest, but now here they were again.
So many emotions, which left me feeling somewhat overwhelmed. Being sick in my family home, made me feel quite vulnerable, as suddenly my senses where really heightened and it seemed as those the walls themselves could speak. Speak of things that no one else wanted to.
I looked back over my life, the challenges I faced and the choices that I made. I am very aware that some people struggle with those choices as they cannot understand why I live the way I do. As I tried so hard to explain the decisions I was making about my health, it was difficult to gain respect for the way in which I choose to heal myself.
Two different worlds collided and although the last thing I want, is to feel more distance between me and my family, there was no denying it was there and that it was deepening. I could feel the fear they had, that they felt by the choices I was making. Fear that was shaking their world.
It was a hugely emotional experience for me, one that I am still trying to process, which is why I am writing this now. As much as I long for more unity, the fact is, that so many of us are drifting apart as we are faced with the reality of what our decisions, mean for our future.
Here I am now, still in the heat, as I more pieces of me, become exposed. No longer able to hide under layers, as everything melts away. I am left with the very things that got me to where I am now and there is nothing left to do, but face them.