" You are just being stupid. How will you say there is no water inside coconut"
"You lack sense, don't you know there are some coconuts without water?"
"I don't understand why you women think you're better than your husbands"
"I don't even understand you. We were just talking about coconuts, what has that got to do with what you're saying now."
This is the normal routine for waking up in the Ikeazor's household. My parents are always bickering back and forth for one thing or the other. I guess today is about coconuts.
I just ignored their banter and carried out my morning routines. That was until I saw our nosey neighbor "Mama Breakthrough" as we call her, trying to get answers of what is happening in our house from my little sister.
" Excuse me ma, can't you mind your own business? Haba! prying answers from a little child".
"I was only trying to be a concerned neighbor that is all ooo". She tried defending herself.
"Nobody asked for your concern thank you ma" I told her with sarcasm.
Anyways, my name is Yogazie Ikeazor. I have a little sister, Njideka Ikeazor and we are very much known on our street because of my parents toxic relationship. I mean, anyday my parents aren't fighting, our neighbors will ask if any of them are ill. But hey, I've gotten used to it already.
I think back and smile at the crazy things that have happened in this family. Like the time I had typhoid then my mum took me to the hospital for a pregnancy test. I remember that morning vividly. I rushed outside to throw up whatever was remaining inside my stomach . When I was through, I turned to go inside the house only for me to be startled by my mum's presence.
"Yogazie, what is wrong with you?Why are you vomiting?" She asked.
"Mummy I don't know ooo my body is just doing me somehow". Then my mum started looking at me with doubt in her eyes.
"I hope you are not pregnant? With the way you whine your waist, I hope all those street boys have not gotten you pregnant ? Answer me before I slap you". She shouted.
"Ahahn, how will you just assume that I'm pregnant, I'm just not feeling well and besides I'm only thirteen how do I want to get pregnant"
"Be asking me ooo, ask me well, you better pray it's not a baby. In Fact what I'm even saying is, go inside and prepare, we are going to the hospital for a pregnancy test." I had no choice but to follow her orders because one of the things I have learnt as a child in an African home, is never to argue with your black African parent. Trust me, if you try it you might not survive it.
On getting to the hospital, we did the test and we were waiting for the result. We have not even seen the results when my mum concluded that I was pregnant because my eyes were pale.
"Yogazie,Yogazie,Yogazie, how many times did I call you?"
"Mummy three times" I groggily answered as I knew I would be getting an earful
"So, you want to get pregnant under my roof? Tell me, when did all this one start. You want to be dragging your husband with me under my roof? You better answer me before I meet you there".
"Mummy I'm not-"
"Will you shut up!Who asked you to talk when I'm talking". Another annoying thing Nigerian parents like to do. I internally rolled my eyes.
"Miss Ikeazor? Your results are ready." I internally thanked the nurse who had I and my mother's brewing argument. We got to the doctor's office and my mother immediately went all out.
"Doctor, I hope the result is not positive? Because I can't stay near the river and let soap enter my eyes. It's not possible. She better not be pregnant".
"Madam calm down, your daughter is certainly not pregnant" I don't even know why she has a look of uncertainty on her face as if she's doubting the doctor.
"Ehehn, so if she's not pregnant, then what's with all the vomiting and other symptoms".
"With the test carried out, it shows here that your daughter is having typhoid and I am sure with some prescription of drugs, she would feel better". I was really relieved that my mother stopped breathing down my neck with this pregnancy issue. Well, that was what I thought until we got home.
"So, Yogazie, you were not pregnant and instead of telling me, you allowed me to waste my money for a test in that hospital abi?"
"But mummy-"
"Will you shut up before I slap you. See, I don't know how you will do it, but you will pay me back my money for that stupid test" she ended.
Ah! Now that I think of it, that memory was indeed funny. My name is Yogazie Ikeazor and I'll be telling you about the drama I encountered in an African home.
Watch out for part two.