I spent most of my life pretending and still do. I was always afraid that everyone would throw me away. I remember curling up in bed, crying until my throat was raw. A dark room surrounded me, the darkness created by anxiety suffocating me until I felt the world around me slowly disappear. I was sinking behind the walls around me. I thought that maybe I would never come out of the darkness, no matter where I went, I would hide behind the dark, and slowly I would sink into fear and pain. I still remember pushing against the black, squirming to break free, my skin desperate to feel the outside air.
I was desperate to hear the birds chirping overhead. Feeling the touch of grass on my bare feet, but I was caged. I felt like a rat, like a rat trapped in a trap, squirming to break free; I was struggling to break free. That darkness clouded my thoughts until I knew the pounding and voices in my head were not reaching anyone but echoing here. I was never anyone's popular boy, Never even confident. But I pretended. Every time I entered class, I would smile, trying to hide the conflicting thoughts and emotions inside me so that everyone would assume I was happy.
I never raised my hand in class, never even expressed an opinion. I just smiled, shook my head and pretended to go along with the views of others. No one knew the scene below the surface. No one knew how trapped I was. No one saw the boy thrash around in an orbit of darkness, pain and fear. They only saw the boy's smiling face and expressed the opinions of others.
I can hear their voices; they are joking and shouting at me. I had nothing to do but stand there and listen. Their voices echoed in my mind until the earth shook. What do you think of yourself? I remember every hateful comment, every obscene word, reflecting in my mind. I had to repeat the black room now, but the words were getting louder and louder in my ears.
Poor boy, no one comes to pick you up after school? Did your mother forget you again? Their cruel laughs pierce my skin and bite my core. I hit the walls around me, but nothing works. Pain and fear surrounded me. I bite my lip and clutch my school bag to my chest as they torment me. Their sucking voices build layers of despair and fear around me, and the darkness around me grows thicker and thicker.
I know that many are stuck in this way, stuck in their heads. It can be dangerous for life. So please, if you are in this situation or know someone, you need to stop and look at the beautiful world around you and see that you belong in it, no matter what people tell you.
