People always wonder what to do if a person who has disesteemed you is someone you can't escape (parents if under 18, boss of a job you need, the person you made kids with but aren't together and only interact with to exchange parenting duties, etc.)
I found these inquiries interesting because although I currently don't tolerate any disesteem from anyone in my life, there was a time when I was unsure if it was teasing OR I knew it was disesteem and I couldn't do anything about it. Based on my experience in these situations, here are my answers.
How Do I Know If I'm Being Disesteemed?
We live in a society that praises passive-aggression and sarcasm. People actually brag about being fluent in sarcasm and having a passive-aggressive nature, as if they were badges of honor. The reality is that both of these traits are signs of cowardice.
Passive-aggression is for the weak. If you can't speak directly, it's because you fear reprisal for your actions. However, you also lack the discipline to hold your tongue. If you can't take the heat from the fire, have the self-control to not light a match in the first place.
This is why it's difficult to know if you're being disesteemed. Cowards will hide behind "just kidding" and indirect jabs instead of outright insulting you. Generally speaking, if you feel like you're being disesteemed, then you probably are. Before you take an antagonistic response to "fightin' words", consider the following:
Level of Insult/Intent
On the scale of insults, let's say:
0 is saying nothing,
3 is obviously poking fun and quite light
5 is the kind of joke that only friends make between each others
6 is where low-iq goons end up catching an aggravated assault charge
7 is where the person needs to give an apology for any meaningful interaction to proceed
8+ is where eye witnesses start saying shit like, "I'm not saying he shoulda killed him, but I kinda understand."
This covers situation and context as well.
This is a subjective scale, but the main point is this: disesteem is, by definition, an insult. However, not all insults are disesteem. Of course, you could be extremely sensitive to whatever is being made fun of, but this is where self-awareness and the ability to read people comes in. Does the insult seem to be intended to cut deep or just poke fun? is it a power punch or a playful jab?
Ask yourself, "Is this behavior or statement directed solely at me, or am I collateral damage who happens to fit a description?" In other words, don't take these things personally until you're forced to. However, if you identify a level of insult above level 5 and it's aimed directly you are, you have to consider your relationship with the person speaking.
Type of Relationship
This section is short, but it relies on the assumption that you have self-esteem.
The more highly you think of yourself, the more likely you are to surround yourself with people who won't disesteem you in the first place. However, things happen and stragglers remain. That's ok, because it doesn't really matter who is delivering the disesteem. The relationship provides a buffer on the scale of insults.
Whether familial, platonic, romantic, or business, the scale buffering only goes into effect if your relationship with this personal is mutually beneficial. Not merely one way. Whatever level of insult you disesteem you perceive on the scale, subtract 1 to 2 points if it's from someone in a real relationship with you.
I can walk up to my closest friend after not seeing him for 3 years and call him a piece of a shit--with a straight face--for not calling me, and he'll laugh. I can start the conversation out insulting his style of shoes, and jab right back with insults. However, if I don't have a similar bond with a cousin, he'd receive my insults differently.
If you have a good relationship, there's leeway for disesteem. If you don't, then stick to the scale for measuring the amount of disesteem given and received.
What If You Can't Leave?
We all want the freedom to come and go as we please and suffer as little as possible. When you're forced to endure an unfavorable situation, never forget that things change when you change how you see them. Mental freedom is the only freedom there truly is.
If you can't physically escape or retaliate against the offender, you have to change how you perceive their behavior. When people are unnecessarily rude or disesteem me, I just assume that something bad happened to them. For an isolated incident, I assume it happened that day. For long term abuse, I assume it was something deep in their childhood or a constant dissatisfaction with their personal lives.
The idea is this: By viewing them this way, not only will you take it less personally, but you'll also soften your psyche towards them. A softer psyche (compassion) is important because this means their disesteem won't impact you as much. Rather than run into the hard wall of your ego, it tumbles into the soft wall of compassion.
While you change how you look at them, use every means at your disposal to reduce the amount of time you HAVE to spend with the source of disesteem. Ideally, you're eventually able to escape, but that's not always possible. But you can almost always limit your exposure.
Hopefully this article helps you get a little more esteem in your life.
As always, implementation & execution is up to you...
Till tomorrow
Trilston