So today has been similar to the last few days where I’m just thinking some dark stuff, I actually am not sure if I should say this year I probably shouldn’t but anyways I tried going through the motions of doing some thing. That’s all I’ll say about that. Just been struggling. Don’t know how to make money and I really need to figure it out how to do it online and I barely have the energy anymore to keep trying. I’m just very exhausted,
it’s sad that I had to go halfway across the world to meet people to meet friends maybe they’re not even friends but they’re at least people that I can message late at night. I’m not telling them what’s really going on because I know that they don’t have anything that they can do to help me.
And I also feel bad that quite frankly they were just say why can’t you just go back to your country and make money they don’t understand how difficult being on the autism spectrum and having other mental health issues what it does and they also don’t understand how you can get so isolated being in America with these kind of problems.
It’s crazy that I can have these problems and meet people in other countries and I can’t meet anyone in America and no one is really there for you in America everyone just keeps to themselves at least that’s the way it’s been for me, it’s like I’m forgiven for being different when I’m in another country but when I’m in America and I’m expected to be normal and to behave and understand everything and I don’t.
Anyways, all I did today was the same thing I do usually witches go to this one coffee shop like I wrote yesterday I think I should stop drinking coffee, so I only drink tea while I was there, I don’t know that it helped very much but it didn’t hurt. I went and picked up contact lenses from a place like usual here they didn’t have the exact prescription so I guess close enough is good enough? I really don’t know. After that, I went home and had to deal with a lot of inner turmoil and my one friend contacted me and asked if I wanted to go to get some food and I said yes even though I really didn’t want to leave if I didn’t want to do anything I just wanted to take sleeping pills and go to sleep,
but that’s the nice thing about having somebody that reaches out like that she didn’t know that I was going through anything and she still doesn’t so we went out and we walked around a bit and then we went and got some food. We ate at a KFC. It’s funny that I eat more American fast food in Thailand than I ever do in America. I can’t tell you the last time I got KFC I think it was when I was a teenager and my family would get it before we would go somewhere. I’ve been paying a lot recently and she was nice and decided to pay for me.
Someone recently told me that I should engage more on this hive blog platform and I agree I’ve been trying to, but I don’t really know. Well, I don’t really know what to say, and I don’t feel like I have anything to say and you know when I looked at Actifit people, that’s a lot of times I don’t have anything that I can comment on, so I don’t know I’ll continue to try to engage, but I just like in real life I really don’t know how. I’m not sure if that’s autism or if it’s just being isolated for as long as I have. I definitely don’t feel anything.
I don’t feel connection from people that I need online until I am, unless I actually meet them in real life, I just don’t feel it at all but like I said, I was kind of try to keep it engaging, and I apologize for any misspellings and bad wording. I am speaking into my phone.
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