A familiar theme of the time-traveler who upsets the fabric of time. Your story, whilst creative, relies a little too heavily on narration, causing an imbalance between the dynamic trio of narrative, action, and dialogue. This results in a piece that leaves little to the imagination of the reader as they are largely told what happens in the story instead of learning it though more subtle cues and character engagement. You can find out more about how re-balancing the dynamic trio can improve your writing, from the links below. I have also shared a couple of articles that you may find of interest, which could help you to elevate your stories.

@theinkwell/writing-tip-of-the-week-5-is-show-don-t-tell-a-writing-rule

@theinkwell/writing-tip-of-the-week-26-action-dialog-and-narrative-the-dynamic-trio

@theinkwell/writing-tip-of-the-week-30-help-for-the-grammatically-challenged