Your story has such a clear real-life message that we were surprised to find it was not creative nonfiction. As such, we do want to point out that framing a fiction story with your own perspective is called author intrusion, and is generally frowned upon. Author intrusion operates on the notion that the reader needs to have the plot explained to them, which often instead simply jolts the plot.

You might learn from an article in our catalog of fiction writing tips called Show, Don't Tell which gives pointers on revealing information in action. In general, you have done well at building a vibrant image, trust in your writing! Thank you for sharing your story with us, don't forget to engage with two other members of the community as well.