“What do you mean, you don’t watch porn?”
That is the question I hear most when I tell people I no longer watch pornography. They immediately assume it is for religious or moral reasons, but that isn’t it. It was for my own well being and to improve how I thought about women. I had grown more attracted to my imaginary harem online than the real women in my life. I would pass up intimacy with girlfriends to stay up and watch beautiful women do things I could never get a woman to do in my real life. (In hindsight it wasn’t something I wanted.). It also allowed me to objectify women without realizing it.
Women were just sexual objects to me, and not a single real women could compete with the women online. In an hour of watching porn, I would see more beautiful women than my ancestors witnessed in many lifetimes. And what is worse is the part of my brain in charge of sex thought I was really nailing all this hot porn stars. Your Lizard brain while key to surviving, isn't very smart. It is so important to your survival it overrides the newer parts of your brain interfering with your decision making process.
One day while looking for that perfect clip, I ran across a TEDx lecture by Gary Wilson entitled The Great Porn Experiment. It put a spotlight on something I thought wasn’t a problem and I found out rather quickly was a huge problem when I tried to stop. What made me seek out pictures and pixels over real life women?
I had to figure out why it was so hard for me to quit watching pornography.
Calvin Coolidge, Porn, and the Internet
There is a story that is told about former President Calvin Coolidge and the First Lady on a trip to visit a farm. The story goes that while touring the farm the farmer was eager to show the First Lady their prize rooster. “That is him right there, he can fertilize 12 hens a day!” the farmer gloated to the First lady. “12 a day, you be sure to tell the President that when you show him,” she replied laughing. An hour or so later when President Coolidge was receiving his tour after finishing up business, the farmer took the President to see his prize rooster. “Now, the 1st lady wanted me to be sure to show you that our prize rooster and tell you he can fertilize up to 12 hens a day.”
“Now, is that the same hen or 12 different, hens?” the president asked.
“Well, it is 12 different hens.” the farmer replied. Smiling, the President quipped, “Now, tell that to the First Lady.”
What does a scintillating anecdote about a former President have to with Porn and the internet? In biology and psychology, the Coolidge effect is a phenomenon seen in mammalian species where male and females members exhibit renewed sexual interest if introduced to new sexual partners. Even after climax with prior but still available sexual partners. It gets its name from this story. The Coolidge Effect has been an evolutionary advantage for humans. However, the combination of porn and high-speed internet has presented a challenge for young men all over the world.
The average boy seeks out porn around the age of 11 years old. These aren’t your dad’s playboy magazines either. What we have is hardcore, nothing off limits pornography. Evidence suggest that it causes serious problems in the cognitive development in young men. Studies suggest that porn addiction is a real thing and has serious negative consequences for long-term users. A lot of people who are addicted to porn have no idea they are addicted.
The symptoms of arousal addictions often mimic primary medical conditions:
● ADHD
● Depression
● Erectile Dysfunction/Performance Anxiety
● Social Anxiety
● OCD
These side effects often are caused by the brain physically rewiring itself to maximize dopamine production. How does it impact the brain? Well, continued use causes a numb pleasure response, erosion of willpower and hyper-reactivity to porn. Things that pleasure other people moving through everyday life, like working out or writing that article you need to submit by Friday at noon, are virtually meaningless to a porn addict. There is no drive to want to be better. No drive to compete or complete task.
The good news is that if you abstain from watching porn for 90 days, the brain will self-correct, but the bad news is it isn’t easy. I learned that the hard way. I discovered this about three years ago, and it has been a life-changing discovery.
Challenge yourself to see if you can go a week without porn and feel free to let me know how it goes.